I Fly Like Paper

Get high in planes..... I went to Boston (FINALLY) a little over a month ago, and let me tell you, it was SO awesome! Not only did I get to see the wonderful city that is Beantown, but I also got to meet maddiepandfriends contributors Claire Bear and Kagger. SO FUN!!! I know that you are all aware that I have been a "world traveler" since I was four weeks old (WAIT! WHAT? If that was the reaction you just had, please see my Houston trip blog stat), but this was my FAV-O-RITE trip by far. Therefore, to make sure the justice I give said trip is apropos, I've decided to do a pictoral blog in an attempt to fully convey the fabulousness.

Let's begin, shall we? WE SHALL!!


I like to call this photo, "and this information is supposed to help us HOW?!" Don't get it twisted, I'm all about safety first. However, as dad was "reviewing the emergency procedures regarding the Boeing 737 located in our seat back pocket (I'm good huh? LOT'S of flying!)" with me, I couldn't help but think about how "neatly" all of these planes ended up after an emergency landing. Ah.... look.... that plane is perfectly intact and just floating on top of the ocean while all the people (who survived without a scratch BTW) exit the aircraft (there are 6, two in the front, two by the wings, and two in the rear. And don't forget, your closest exit may be behind you. OK, I'll stop, promise!) in an orderly and calm fashion.

This is me confirming the location of said exits:

I am SO thorough. Oh, and look at how well that woman uses the emergency slide! Did she practice? I give the "crash cards", as I like to call them, a 10 for cartoonish graphics, but a 1 for realistic depictions. More fire, possible human trampling in the cabin, and people avoiding the slide all together and just jumping for it could knock that score up to a 5 ;) I'm just saying.......

Anyhoo, we made it to Boston just fine. Dad sang "Dirty Water" as we were approaching Logan which drove me and mom CRAZY, but he does it all the time apparently so I guess I better just get used to it. He is SUPER embarassing!


I call this photo "The Platform". I know, what an amazing title, RIGHT?! Am I simply referencing the T platform or am I speaking in broader terms about the "platform" of my blog? In fact, is this "platform" simply a symbol of a jumping off point, if you will, for greater meaning in my life? PSYCH! I'm totally kidding! I just bit that title off of an old Dilated Peoples album! Sorry, I didn't mean to mess with your heads. My bad :( Seriously though, this was my first T ride, and it totally rocked. The rhythmic motion of the train combined with the monotonous noise almost put me to sleep! Dad said he wishes there were a T in Greenville because he'd just ride it from end to end with me every time I got difficult. I'm not sure if I should be flattered by his desire to spend even more time with me, or question what he means by "difficult". Whatevs.....

After the train ride, we went to the Boston Common. It was a perfect fall day, and the common had just the right balance of regular people and "crazies" to give it that honest, city feel.


I call this one, "Dad is SO awful at getting my attention when he takes photos. GOD!!" This is mom and I in the common after lunch. Oh, hang on, I'll wait for you to get over how adorable I am in this photo.......Waiting........Waiting.......I know the little bear ears on the hood are almost too much........Waiting.........Waiting.......... OK, that should suffice. I almost forgot to include this photo:


I call it, "Where is mom's head?" taken from the larger collection, "Where's mom's head and other amazing examples of why dad isn't allowed to take pics of us". He almost cut off my bear ears too! I mean, come on.....


This is one of my faves, and I titled it "Doesn't the atmosphere at Fajitas and Ritas just scream 'Let's throw a bunch of ish around' to you?". Dad told me that this was his shortest trip EVER to Fajitas and Ritas! I think we made it 15 minutes from sitting down to exiting the establishment. Honestly, I've never seen anyone put down three fajitas that fast. Big ups to mom too for downing that shrimp burrito in about 5 minutes. Maybe I missed something, but what was the rush? We were having fun, no?

After Boston, we went out to Claire Bear's house in Grafton to party it up some more. I finally met her, Kagger (FWIW, his real name is Connor), and Kaylee. Let me just tell you, these kids know how to rock! I thought that 6:30 only came once a day ;) We had SO much fun! Claire shared all of her toys with me (love, love, love the shopping cart with plastic condiments. already on the Christmas list) and we all played together all day and part of the night. I think I scared Connor when we first met, but I come from a very loud family, so we all tend to have that effect on people. Our bad :( The non-stop "festival of fun" at Claire's house leads me to my final photo of the trip:


I call it, "I am SO fricking tired! Wake me when we get back to my crib." I was just totally spent from the weekend, so I ended up napping almost the entire way home. No complaints from mom and dad on that one. It had the eerie feeling of a "set up", but what are you gonna do?

Anyway, that's about all for now. I'm working on a holiday post encompassing both Thanksgiving and Christmas, so look for that soon :)

Later.......

SO into:

• Whining (really into, I mean, really, really)
• Sippy Cups
• Baby Einstein (it is SO hypnotic, borderline trippy)
• Soft punk

SO not:

• Napping
• Talking Shop
• Ginger Ale
• Portraits of Vegetables (????)

Rob The Jewelry Store And Tell Them Make Me A Grill!!!

You wanna see my WHAT?! My grill, my, my, my grill.... Well, if you can't take a hint from the title of this blog and figure out what the heck I'm referring to, I'll spell it out for you. I finally got some teeth. *GASP* But Madelyn, you're SO young. You cannot possibly have teeth yet at only six months. Funny, I was thinking the same thing. Of course, when unexpected stuff like this happens, you all (I'm progressing towards "y'all", I just cannot bring myself to say it quite yet) know the first person I call is my pediatrician, Dr. Oz.

Yes, I know, I was SO over him at one point. He kept going on Oprah with that 50 lb. glob of congealed scrambled eggs that supposedly "sits between our stomach and our whatever" lecturing America about health and I was like, hey, doc, I have my OWN set of problems that we need to address. Let's worry about saving America later, K? I mean, that audience has been at this whole thing called "life" for a minimum of eighteen years while I've been on the outside for about 180 days. This isn't their first rodeo, if you know what I mean. They can wait.... Let's focus.... So we were on and off, hot and cold, much like Dylan and Kelly from nine-O, or Katy Perry's new song if you're looking for references from this century, but now we're back on. I'll pause for applause.............. OK.

Anyhoo, Dr. Oz told me that apparently infants can get teeth anywhere between the ages of four and twelve months. Quite a frickin' range if you ask me, and you did. It makes it kind of difficult to plan my social life around that type of schedule. You might be thinking "what possible bearing could teething have on MaddieP's social calendar? I mean, they're just teeth right?". While you were thinking that, I was biting my lip trying to resist the urge to COMPLETELY FREAK OUT!!! O-M-G!!! Let me tell you, teething is NO garden party! Teething keeps you up at night, makes you sick to your stomach, gives you a fever, and also makes you drool uncontrollably 24-7. OH, and I'm leaving out the best part, my "fave" if you will. PAIN! OH, THE PAIN!!!!! Holy FRICK, it hurts so FRICKIN' bad! SO bad, that dad allowed me to put "frick" in caps twice in the same sentence.

If you still don't think it's a big deal, why don't you try going to a brand new, never before visited cause you just moved, playground, strike up a convo with the girl in the next swing over about Britney and whether her comback is for real, or simply another Gossip Mag/MTV fabrication (They build you up just to knock you down Brit Brit. Don't get fooled again!), and think you're making a new friend cause she's seemingly so enthralled with the knowledge you are dropping, only to look down and find out you've created a Lake Mead of drool below your swing! (EMBARASSING!) BTW - That sentence was way too long and totally a run-on, but I needed to make a point. Then, while you are frantically searching for mom with that "hey, little help here?!" look on your face begging her to swoop in with a washcloth and fix the mess, breakfast suddenly decides to make a return trip, and next thing you know, you're puking all over your new "friend's" shoes!! I don't think I need to tell you who couldn't sink into their stroller low enough on the way out on that fine day. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, teething. Super fantastic!

Well, I realize there are babies starving in the world, babies without swing sets, babies who are unable to get their moms to help control their newly developed drooling problem, so I will stop complaining. I've decided to make the best of the whole situ and do something SUPER cool! You may not believe this, but I've asked dad to hook me up with a new grill! Yeah, you know, some teeth jewelry for my new teeth. (FRESH!) I understand that grills might have been, like, SO four years ago, but I wasn't around four years ago so too bad. I'm doing it anyway. Plus, I thought of the perfect inserts for my customized grill. No, not diamonds, not sapphires, not gems of any kind. I'll pass on the alphabet, precious metals, and any type of phrasing. You know what I'm getting on my grill? I know, the suspense is BRUTAL! OK, OK, I'm gonna tell you now. CARE BEARS! SO cool, right! CARE BEARS!! We're going with Wish Bear, Bedtime Bear, Birthday Bear, and Friend Bear on top, and rocking Funshine Bear, Cheer Bear, Good Luck Bear, and Tenderheart Bear along the bottom row. "The whole top bears, and the bottom row is bears too"?? Whatevs. You can't rap to it, but everyone is definitely going to be shouting "Smile for me Maddie. (watcha lookin' at?) I wanna see your grill".

On that note, I'm out.

Later......

SO into:

• Obama
• Winnie the Pooh
• Brain Teasers
• Cobra (it's a yoga position, look it up)
• Bathtime

SO not:

• Tax Windfalls
• Beady Eyes
• Direct Sunlight
• Dead Flowers (the flowers, not the song, love the song)
• Things that go Pear-shaped

And I Want...And I Need...And I Love...

ANIMALS!!! O-M-G! They are SO cool! I have all kinds of stuffed ones. No, not like animals that were once alive but are now dead and stuffed by some crazy taxidermist (Are all taxidermists crazy? I'm not sure, but I think MANY of them just might be.) Anyway, that's SO not my point in this intro so I digress. Apparently, unbeknownst to me, said animals have been hiding in my crib for like, months, and I had no idea. NONE! The only thing I ever could see in my crib was a suspicious looking white mound, but I could never quite reach it to find out what exactly it was (think The Black Rock on "Lost").

The mystery was absolutely driving me insane, but I just could...not...get...to...that...FRICKIN...mound. UNTIL THE OTHER DAY!!! Let me just tell you, I have become much more mobile and resourceful (Genius much?) lately, and was finally able to wiggle my way over to the mound while dad assumed I was "napping". I slid over, grasped the cover of this engima, and yanked! Well, well, well.... Welcome to stuffed animal heaven, population ME! I was unable to contain my excitement as I thrashed wildly amongst all of my new found furry friends which caused a noticeable ruckus. This drew the attentoin of my dad who proceeded to walk in my room and stumble upon the following scene:

I just laid there and smiled, soaking it all in. Dad even laughed out loud for quite a while. So get this, I have the following in my crib right now as we speak. Oh, BTW - these are in no particular order cause I don't want any of my animals to get offended or feel that I am picking favorites. After all, we all just met so that would NOT be cool! I have a pig, a lion, a moose, a sheep, a bear (sorry Stephen Colbert, but I simply do not find my bears threatening so you're gonna just have to deal. We're still on for tea next Thursday though right? Thought so....), a monkey, a dog, and a panda. I have had in-depth convos with all of them, except the panda.

Now, of course you're probably asking yourself, "MaddieP, why would you talk to all of the other animals but not that panda? That just seems cold." Well, before you waste time asking yourself that question, lemme provide an explanation. This will save us all some time in the long run, and I'm a big fan of time saving! You see, the panda actually only speaks Chines (CONFUSING!). No lie, I'm not making this up. My dad's friend Chris literally carried my panda on his person all the way from China and personally delivered him to MY house. Super fantastic job Chris! However, next time, and this is just a suggestion, perhaps you could also include a Chinese-English dictionary which might help the panda and I to communicate. Right now it is just a lot of noises and blank stares :( I'm just saying.

I should also reiterate the fact that this panda is not, nor ever was, alive. I do not want dad's friend to get extradited to China to face charges of panda smuggling because of some little blog I wrote (INNOCENT!). That would SO not be cool and I worry that Chris could end up in some brutal communist prison never to be heard from again (It happens. Just ask Mr. Bauer). Also, I know a log of my readers have seen "Red Corner" and I think we can all agree that, in real life, Richard Gere would've probably received that bullet he offered to pay for. Morbid, maybe, but true, most definitely..... I think you're safe for now Chris :)

Another "animal related" adventure I experienced recently was a trip to Discovery Place in Charlotte, NC. O-M-G! I can't believe I forgot to tell you that I moved to South Carolina!!! I just realized that right this second! That's how long it's been since we last spoke. CRAZY! Anyway, my bad... FWIW - This blog has gone way off the tracks of what I planned on talking about (and what I promised the other day), but we might as well ride it out. So, back to Discovery Place. It was tons of fun. Here is a pic of me hanging by one of the fish tanks:


Those fish were super interesting and I couldn't stop staring. I know it's rude to stare, and I can't imagine if someone stood outside my window all day long and just stared and stared and stared while I went about my day. That is grounds for arrest if you ask me, and you did. However, apparently it IS allowed, encouraged even, if you are staring at fish (even baby fish) and not people. Who knew?!

Alright, well as you can all see, I'M BACK! I will not leave you hanging for two whole months ever again. Sounds like more hollow promises I know, but I will do my best to regain your faith and trust ;) I can't wait to post more pics this week to show all of the maddiepandfriends what else I've been doing. I have moving stories, eating stories, rolling over stories, feet stories (OH, my feet! Most likely, probably, the COOLEST things in the history of all things cool), etc. You get the idea. I will talk to you all again soon.

Later......

SO into:

• Sweet Potatoes (You say potato, I say holy frickin tasty!)
• Anything foot and/or feet related
• Rubber ducks (lights inside or no lights, both are fantasic)
• The new Fall Season
• Ketchup
• Tina Fey

SO not:

• Sleeping on my back
• Cold Water
• Empty cribs (where did all my stuffed friends go?)
• Salsa
• Brendan Fraser
• Tales of Woe

It's Been A LONG Time!

I shouldn't have left you without a dope beat to step to.... MY BAD! I wanted to post my brand new, totally super cool music video right away. I will be blogging again starting this weekend, but this will have to hold you over for now.

Topics to be discussed this weekend include: what the heck I've been up to for 2 whole months, a GIANT SUPER-SIZED "SO into" and "SO Not" list with details (EXCITING!), and a brief but extremely poignant rant regarding Natalie Portman and Scarlett Johansson and their suspected involvement with poles (GROSS!).....

VO-MIT Me Baby One More Time.

Well, it finally happened. Dad told me he simply could not deal with my “attitude” and “sarcastic tones” any longer and left me. He’s gone to Detroit and may never return :( JK, he’s only out of town for 2 days, but when you’re a baby it feels like an eternity. My despair and sense of abandonment is increasing by the minute, but don’t feel too guilty dad, I’m OK. Anyway, mom is guest transcribing for me (LONG TIME READER, FIRST TIME TRANSCRIBER!). I don’t expect the quality of the blog to suffer whatsoever. After all, I’m still writing this thing, and if I need “comedic consultation” from mom, she is just as super funny and helpful as dad. FWIW – She was also voted “Wittiest Person in Houston High School” if that gives you any idea of her hilarity index (OFF THE CHARTS!).

So here’s the thing. I have 5 simple words for you that can describe how my week has been going. Suck-It-Jamie-Lynn-Spears! O-M-G! Did you hear what she named the latest demon spawn in the Spears clan?! Did you! If for some reason you DID NOT (like, if you live with those fake Amazon Rainforest tribal people or something) I’ll tell you. Maddie! Fricking Maddie! I totally spit up in my mouth when I heard this terrible, terrible news. I’m not in this world three months and my life is already ruined.

Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are other Maddies, Madelyns, and Madelines in this world. I’m not THAT delusional. However, being in any way, shape, or form associated with that group of trailer trash lottery winners (and by “lottery winners” I mean that Britney was the ticket and they’re all just along for the ride) is just a travesty. I might as well ask dad to buy a double wide, fill my bottle with Peksi (not a typo, that’s what “they” call it), fire a cigarette in my mouth, and take me to the studio so he can start his fricking rap career! I’m sure we’d be on the fast track to crazy in no time! “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman…” Uh-oh, here comes that spit up again!!!

Anyhoo, I am going to post some super cute pics of me on this posting so that all my fans will know who the real Maddie is AND how much cuter I am than this other imposter. Maddie Spears is not my doppelganger! As soon as dad gets back (if he EVER does, again, I’m fine, don’t feel guilty….) I am going to immediately have him look into the possibility of starting a petition to force Brit-Brits little sis to change the name of her little “accident” (TOO HARSH? WHAT-EV-ER!).

SO much cuter, RIGHT?!




OK, I’m off my Spears soapbox. I apologize for the lengthy rant, but I just could not help myself. Deep breath…………… Alright, let’s get to my “MaddieP Developmental Update”, or “MDU” for short. I think acronyms make me sound more official and mature, don’t you?


MDU – Motor Skills: I can now find my hands and control my arms! How exciting! It was a long strange trip the past few months having those things flailing around, banging me in the head. Goodbye total and utter frustration, hello at-will thumb sucking and grabbing things!

MDU – Vision: I can see SO super far now it is just amazing! Like, I can lie on my jungle mat and totally see mom all the way across the living room. Cool right?! I can see colors (as soon as dad found this out he held me up to the ceiling in my nursery to see his monkey stencils. Um, hello, really dangerous AND get over yourself already!) and I am starting to really enjoy my Baby Einstein vids. Don’t worry, mom and dad refuse to use those as a “babysitter”. Dad totally talks in my ear the whole time describing what everything is and I’m just like, yeah, I know that’s a giraffe, OK! Do I talk through Sportscenter? No! I’m just saying…… Also, it should be mentioned that I don’t really go cross-eyed anymore. That was SO confusing!

MDU – Mastery of the English Language: Well, maybe “mastery” is a stretch, but I am really good at making all kinds of various sounds with my vocal cords these days. Mom keeps giving me these “no comprende” looks, but I say it’s really her fault that she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. “All kinds of various sounds” has a ceiling of about 12 so how hard can it really be to remember them? I have no issue and I’m just a baby! Dad swears I said dada the other day, but mom and I are pretty sure that was after about 3 vodka rocks and a beer (Daddy drinks because I cry or I cry because daddy drinks. I think that really works both ways. Neat! Did you catch that pun? I’m SO cryptic!)

OK, that’s all from me for now. Sorry June was so completely and totally lame. Dad says I’m sucking his will to live since I’m still super high maintenance (his words, NOT mine!) and still a fan of waking up in the middle of the night. I told him he needs to Suck-It-Up! You think you can’t sleep now? Wait til I’m 17 w/ a bf and a driver’s license.

Later……

SO into:

• Having my hair blown on (I was born to rock a convertible)
• Farting
• Drooling
• Pixie Sticks

SO not:

• Lynne Spears
• Britney Spears
• Jamie Lynn Spears
• Maddie Spears

BTW – You Spears are all on the permanent “SO Not” list. Welcome and congratulations!

Crack is Whack!!

That may be the case for crack, but you know what is SO NOT whack? Like, 1,000,000%, super, totally, awesomely NOT whack? CHILDREN'S TYLENOL! O-M-G, it is like the best stuff EVER! Don't tell my parents, but I think I'm hooked. I had my first "taste" on Wednesday afternoon this past week after I got my first round of vaccinations (which totally STUNK btw, more to follow on that in a minute). Since then, I've just been staring at the clock, waiting for the time to tick away until my 6 hours is up. Then I'm like, ehem, dad, fill that bad boy halfway and let's get this party started! It literally fixes EVERYTHING! Fever, no problem. Headache, taken care of. Stomach upset, adios! Oh, and I completely left out the best part. Know what it tastes like? Seriously, do you know? Well I'll tell you. CHERRIES! I never though it would be possible to enjoy a flavor of a fruit I had yet to taste and will not get to taste for some time. Let me tell you, it SO is! I guess "hooked" is a strong word though. I mean, I can quit whenever I want. It's not like I NEED it (Dad already took me off it saying it wasn't necessary anymore. I haven't figured out how to fake a headache yet, but I'm working on it ;).

Back to the vaccinations situ. I have never felt so much like a human voodoo doll in my entire life. Yes, my "entire life" may only be 8 weeks and 2 days old, but that's a long time if you ask me. And yes, you did ask me, whether you knew it or not. I was all lounging on my blanket, checking out my hair in the mirror (SO cute, RIGHT!?)

and then, BAM, two burly nurses come flying in, needles sticking out of their hands like Freddy fricking Kruger (they looked JUST like him too)


grabbing at my legs and arms pummeling me with points. Worst experience EVER! I was looking at dad like "please, dad, save me from this insanity!" and all he could do was watch in terror. SO awful! Had I known that was all going to transpire, I would've just stayed home. Of course, I did score some of the aforementioned Tylenol, but I am starting to question if it was worth it.

Oh, hang on. I just received a "live" question from a concerned reader. I guess now is as good a time as any to jump into another edition of the mailbag! (SURPRISE!!!)

Q: MaddieP, awful story about the doctor's office. However, I couldn't help but be distracted the whole time by the title change to the blog. What's the haps on the craps? Sunny - Lansing, MI

A: "Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em..." Well Sunny, here's what the haps are. Nice Ice Cube reference, btw. Solid..... I realized recently that my naming, while totally witty and super apropos at the time, was apropos no mo'. After all, I'm not a fetus anymore, I'm a BABY! I figured the "PC" term for baby was probably "infant" since I've really lost track of who's offended by what anymore, so I figured I'd play it safe. Hence the INFANity. Get it? I know it's missing the "T", but I know all my readers are so hip and "with it" that they'd totally catch the pun. After all, we're all about the "real world" now, aren't we? I have so much new stuff to cover that is completely unrelated to everything in utero, so I suggested, no demanded to dad that we make the switch. He was a fan (OF COURSE!) and agreed 100%. Don't worry Sunny, the blog will still bring all the super interesting stuff you've come to expect from MaddieP, so we'll just refer to it as maddiepandfriends 2.0.

Welcome to the "new and improved" blog Sunny!

Q: O-M-G, it is SO overcrowded in here! How did you keep your mind off of your discomfort and on other things while womb-bound? Unborn Twins - Denver, CO

A: TWINS! How exciting! So here's the thing Twins, I'm just SO over fetii these days that I can't even bring myself to respond. Please see my response to fellow reader Sunny's question for more insight. I do feel for you, god knows I've been there, done that, bought the onesie. I just can't relate anymore, and I don't really feel comfortable giving advice on a subject that I'm just not interested in any longer.

Let me drop an analogy on you Twins. You know how, when you get out of junior high (NIGHTMARE! I've heard stories...) and begin your freshman year of high school? How into the junior high kids are you after that? Not even the slightest bit, right? Well, that's exactly how I feel now that I'm a baby. I can't associate with fetii any more, it totally knocks my coolness factor down ten fold. Plus, I have my own problems now! I'm just not down with that whole scene, it's SO 8 weeks and 2 days ago!

Drop me a line when you bust out Twins, then we can talk!

Q: Like a million season finales and no reactions from MaddieP!? Lay some reviews on me, will you please? Peter - Gainsville, FL

A: What's going on Peter? FYI - Both my mom and my best friend Cedar resided in your neighborhood for a minute back in the 90s so I have much love and respect for your town! Nice choice of locales! I'll break down my end-of-the-year reviews by show:

"The Office" - Very, very awesome! I thought the whole Andy proposal was just hilarious, although I did feel super bad for Jim. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but if the writers go all "Ross and Rachel" on me with Jam, I'm out! That's it, I'm out! I can't wait for the webisodes this summer to find out what's going on before the big premier in September. Also, I felt super bad for Michael. He just has no luck, although most of it is his own fault. He finally finds the perfect girl, and then blows it to go back to psychosville, population Jan! The episode was top notch all around, as was the remainder of the strike shortened season (NEVER AGAIN!).

"AI" - That's American Idol for all of you non-fans :( Obviously, my pick died early, so after that I didn't know where to turn. I will say that I am thankful that David Cook ended up winning. I could not STAND that Archuleta character. Dad and I even decided when there were about 6 contestants left that we were done watching him and fast forwarded through all of his remaining performances. Thank GOD for TIVO! Suck it Archuleta!

"House" - Quite suspenseful and a lot of fun. As you all know, House is my fave TV doc, way better than those clowns on Grey's or the idiots on ER (YAWN! Where's Clooney?). I am seriously worried about House's relationship with Wilson though. The death of Amber might put too much strain on them this time. Could be the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just saying.....

"Desperate Housewives" - Did anyone else besides me watch the last scene and ask themselves "Where the frick are they going with this storyline?!" I have no idea what is going to happen with those ladies. The season as a whole was far superior to last season, but I have grave concerns about the direction next year. If they go all 5 years ahead on me, it might just blow my mind (DANGEROUS!)!!

Stay off the hard drugs Peter!

Well, that's about all for me this last day of May. June is going to be a big month. BIG! I am anxious to do even more new things, and I have a few more music videos up my sleeve. I know the anticipation is just killing you all :)

Later.......

SO into:

• Cherry flavored ANYTHING
• Grabbing
• Smiling
• Koala Bears

SO not:

• Fetii
• Needles
• Processed Meats
• Sweating

I'm Not The Average Girl on Your Video

Surprise!! It's my brand new, totally super awesome music video! And you all thought I was just completely slacking this month :) O-M-G, I am SO excited for all of the maddiepandfriends to see me! I will blog more later. For now, I'm just going to hang back and wait for you all to tell me what you think.

Later......

How’s My Driving? Dial 1-800-O-M-G-I-DO-NOT-CARE!!!

Where have I BEEN lately?! I know, I know…. That is the question you have all been asking yourselves for the past 3 weeks. My answer to you would be: where HAVEN’T I been lately??? And for that matter, what HAVEN’T I done lately? I have been so super busy learning all kinds of new things while also lounging in a whole assortment of entirely new places. Did any of you know I actually went to Houston last week? FRICKING Houston! I was only 5 (almost 6) weeks old at the time, so I know you are SO super impressed right now. I flew on a plane (I heard from a friend of a friend that Suri wasn’t allowed to fly until almost 20 weeks. I say, Mark Ronson Schmonson!), stayed at the NASA Hilton, chilled by the Gulf of Mexico, and drank flirtinis by the pool (CHIC!). JK on that last little nugget as I totally cannot consume anything other than formula right now. I’m just a BABY! (Funny little side note on that whole situ. Ask my dad sometime about the night he was so out of it that he gave me water instead of formula. I had to puke all over him 3 TIMES before he realized what was going on. He felt SO bad, but I told him not to worry, I was fine and that puking repeatedly was just my way of saying “HELLO! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME OR SOMETHING???!!!”)

BTW – No offense to all of my Houston readers, but I have to admit I’m not a big fan of your city. Everything is SO spread out, and there is not much in the way of scenery. I’ve heard the whole “only two things from Texas” cliché (OFFENSIVE!), but I think, if we’re talking about Houston, those “two things” should be changed to power lines and refineries cause that’s all I saw! Of course, making a neat little rhyme out of those two items might be a lot more difficult, but my readers are SO super smart, I just know they can figure it out. In fact, that could be our first maddiepandfriends contest (EXCITING!). I’ll start the saying and you finish it. We can post the winning idea along with a photo or something. As you can tell, I’m totally doing this off the top of my head so my organization is less than stellar. I know you’ve come to expect more, so I apologize in advance :( Ready? “The only two things from Houston are power lines and refineries and (insert your really super awesomely funny line here)…..”

Anyhoo, one thing I recently discovered is how much I love riding in the car. Now, when I say “riding in the car” I am mainly referring to the time spent in the car when it is actually moving. I absolutely HATE it when the car stops. In fact, I won’t stand for it! It’s like, I’m cruising along, minding my own business, enjoying the rhythmic motion of the road and the soothing sounds of the engine, and suddenly, POW, nothing….. SO frustrating! It always happens at the worst time too, like I’m just about to fall asleep or I’ve already been sitting in my seat for an hour and am one step closer to the edge of total explosion. I have no qualms about “letting mom or dad know” how so not into stopping I am almost every time it happens. This drives them crazy. Whatever. I just look back at them like “if you really loved me you’d throw your hazards on, lay on the horn, and totally run every red light you see so that we could essentially create some sort of perpetual motion scenario where we never had to stop.” Still hasn’t happened. If anyone out there has parents that actually love them, please write in. I’d love to hear about it!

In other news, I’ve discovered LOADS of other things I like doing. I am really quite a standout when it comes to holding my head up and looking around. I’m not gonna lie, I really dig this activity. Dad timed me one day and I was able to hold my head up for 41 seconds. Two days later mom timed me at almost a minute and a half (IMPRESSIVE!)!! FWIW – I also heard from a friend of a friend that Apple Paltrow couldn’t even do ONE minute at 8 weeks. Suck it Apple! These Hollywood babies are SUCH underachievers, it’s no wonder they end up in rehab by 16. Ms. Holmes, please explain to me again how it is that Suri is “so gifted”. Really, I’m dying to know. I’m not trying to be a total snot, I’m just saying.... Dad also scored me this wicked fun activity mat with all kinds of jungle animals, sounds, and mirrors. Who has two tiny thumbs and can lay and stare at herself in the mirror for hours? This baby! Here is a photo of me kicking it on my mat:

The combination of sights and sounds really “floats my boat”. I kick my legs super fast, wave my arms around wildly, and make a ton of crazy noises. What did the babies that came before me do before the creation of these activity mats? It is a complete and utter mystery to me. It’s a wonder they even developed at all (SAD!).

Mom also copped me some new denim since all of my other jeans still don’t fit me. Here’s a pic of me sporting said jeans. Notice the coordination of the top, jeans, and headband:

The LC rocks the headbands all the time on “The Hills” so I figured I should follow suit. I’m working on some sort of guest appearance since I’m such a fan of the show. I wrote the LC explaining how babies are SO the hot accessory in L.A. for the 08, and how much of a travesty it would be if she didn’t keep up with ALL the trends. I pitched it to her like so: They could literally just show random pics of me at various times during each episode. I don’t need lines and I don’t need to be an integral part of the storyline. They could show a scene of Lo being her typical, ugly, super mean self to Audrina and then cut quickly to a photo of me posing with the caption “Madelyn – Token Baby”, then back to the scene. Later, we see Spencer and Heidi having yet another contrived tiff, then, right in the middle of Spencer saying something totally stupid, cut to me hanging in my crib, then back to Heidi telling Spencer how stupid he is. See how that works? Totally cool right? Call me....

Well, that's about all for now. New mailbag coming soon and I'm warning you, it's going to be a MONSTER! It's super fantastic to be back in the blogosphere after my brief hiatus! Later.....

SO into:

• Pianos
• Checkerboards
• Prison Stripes
• Crinkly Paper

SO not:

• Scientology
• Red-eye Flights
• Unwanted Advice
• Humidity

Why Don’t You Take A Picture?? It’ll Last Longer!

O-M-G! I had no idea that my blogging, when combined with my overwhelming cuteness, would cause such a stir every time I go out in public. Between my mom and dad snapping endless pics, to people staring at me everywhere I go, I just CANNOT get a break. I went out to breakfast on Monday morning, trying to rock the incognito look, hiding under a bunch of clothes and a few blankets (BRRR, It was COLD!). I figured surely no one would recognize me. WRONG! I just settled in for a bottle and an omelette, got all cozy, and suddenly, out of nowhere, BAM, someone is at the table all up in my grill. “Look at the baby, look at the baby!” anonymous fan yelled. Well, let me tell you, it only takes one. Before I knew it, I was holding Monday morning service at table #5 for all of these lookie loos!

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally super flattered that all of these people are just SO interested in me and what my current situ is. I think I simply underestimated the “price of fame”, if you will. Britney, I am totally feeling your pain! And I’m not even “country” or anything even remotely close to that (No lap rides in the car for me, thanks for asking!). I really feel I should’ve taken more serious steps to remain completely anonymous, but I believe it is now too late. Whatever, I’ll roll with it cause that’s just what I do ;) All of this attention did inspire me to post some more pics today on my blog. I am PRAYING that these will satisfy the insatiable appetites of all my Denver fans, and allow me to get a little bit of peace and quiet while I’m cruising around Target or chilling at Café Europa. Stay tuned.

Someone please get that pacifier out of my ear. Thanks!

Mom and I post bath time... Finally WARM!

Just kickin' it in my room

YIKES! We look WAAAY too much alike!

I should also tell you (I don’t know if you can see it in the pics or not. If you answer “NOT”, that would be completely AWESOME!) I just realized yesterday that I totally have “baby acne”. Um, HELLO, isn’t acne supposed to start when you’re, like, 12 or 13 YEARS old. Mine started when I was, like, 12 or 13 DAYS old! I mean, COME ON! This totally FRICKING stinks! I am already having complexion issues and I haven’t even hit a month. Dad said to look on the bright side. He said I should use it to my advantage and call the Proactiv people to offer my services as a spokesbaby. What a great idea I thought (SHOCKING!). If anyone from Proactiv is reading this, and I’m sure someone is, please drop me a line or give me a jingle on Skype. I’ll send you my portfolio and list of credentials (it’s SUPER long, just an FYI) so we can work something out. Jessica S., I apologize in advance for becoming your inevitable replacement, sometimes things just happen. Sorry L

Mom suggested that, in the meantime, while I wait by the phone for my lifetime supply of Proactiv formula, that maybe taking a bath would help. I was like, “Bath? I’ve never had one of those before, let’s rock!” Well, the administration of said bath was the complete opposite of “enjoyment”, and I need to tell you right now, I was not a fan! My parental units are forced to use a minimal amount of water in the infant tub so that I am not at risk for drowning. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to bathe in a “minimal amount of water”, but it’s NO garden party! Go sit in a puddle while someone sprinkles water over the rest of your exposed body. Or, if you don’t have a puddle handy, jump in the shower for 10 seconds, get your entire body soaked, then stand just outside of the stream of water, with only your hand still immersed, then write me and tell me how you feel. Are you all nice and warm?!! Heck, write in real-time so I know exactly how you’re feeling at that exact moment. I’m super curious!

It was like, my butt and thighs were nice and cozy and warm the entire time, while the rest of me was just completely FREEZING! Sure, mom or dad would squeeze a little warm water over my chest, arms, or feet, but that lasts, oh, say, 2 SECONDS! Then it’s back to IceTown, population ME! After the arms and feet, they squeezed a little more warm water over my head as if to toy with me, offering temporary promises of total body warmth and comfort, but immediately pulled it all away with one brush of the washcloth (CURSES!). Two long (but still tiny) thumbs down for the whole bath experience.

The only highlight of “bath time” AKA “water-boarding: part deux” was the aftermath where I got to snuggle up in my bathrobe and lounge around the house. Here is the pic:

Don’t I look SO super comfy?! I was! This photo has “hand me a corncob pipe stuffed with your finest tobacco and plop me in a leather recliner” written ALL over it! I mean, seriously. I could just hang out, post-bath, in this little piece of terrycloth heaven for DAYS! Thank you Nancy, great shower gift choice! I might just start wearing this robe everywhere.

The last thing I wanted to mention is I am really enjoying the food they serve at Casa De Poppish. Sure, it’s always the same, but it’s simple and consistent, just like Chef Ramsay likes. Big ups Gordon, love Kitchen Nightmares (SPOOKY!)! However, dad always gets a little frustrated since I seem to never completely finish my meal. I always leave about 2 sips in the bottom of the bottle and he can’t figure out why. Dad, let me put it into terms you can relate to. My bottle is no different than that of YOUR average beer bottle, and we all know that the last 2 sips are ALL backwash, NO substance! What makes you think I’d be any more interested in drinking that down than you are? I may be just a BABY, but I have standards too! I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.

That’s all for now. Feel free to save all the photos I posted on to your hard-drive and stare away!

Later.....

SO into:

• Crossing My Eyes
• Strolling
• Sitting Sidewayz
• Manny Ramirez (POW!)

SO not:

• Constipation
• Unanticipated Wardrobe Changes
• Baby Wipes
• Burping

Vanna, Pick Me A Letter :)

I know you've all been hitting "refresh" on my blog repeatedly for the past two days, just WAITING for the FRICKING mailbag!! I am SO sorry! I know my apologies are quickly becoming hollow since my schedule is never what I say it's going to be (I blame dad mostly) but I am totally doing my best, all things considered. I will make a promise from here on out that I will not give specific dates for specific posts any longer so as to not create continuous false expectations. I absolutely DO NOT want my blog to become another "GnR - Chinese Democracy" type situ. Eventually, fans get tired of waiting and look elsewhere for entertainment, know what I mean? Are you following me Axl? Anyhoo, I am not interested in becoming the "baby who cried wolf" (SCARY!), so let's just start over, K?

This week I am shooting for a totally topical, current events theme. I have answered many inquiries from a variety of super fantastic e-mails, but wanted to do a mailbag about things happening right this second, right this minute, or, in some cases, right this week. Luckily, all of my maddiepandfriends are quite inquisitive, and a good amount of them ask these very type of questions on the regular. Before this subject matter becomes "old news", let's get into it!!

Q: MaddieP, I totally enjoyed your pic with your dad at the driving range. With The Masters beginning tomorrow, do you have a prediction for a winner? Also, what is your handicap? Phil - Augusta, GA

A: Phil, I know you are just waiting for me to make the predictable pick and say Tiger. After all, I'm only a baby, so how much golf knowledge could I possibly have at this point in my life? For that matter, how many golfers could I possibly even know about? Lemme tell you Phil, I hope you're sitting down, because I am going to drop some serious knowledge on you right now.

I'm a big fan of Vijay, and I am REALLY pulling for him this year. His work ethic is impeccable (sound like anyone you know Phil?) and I think he has the all-around game to take it down over the weekend. However, I hear he is working with a new putter or two which gives me some cause for concern. Vijay, this is The Masters!! Didn't you have some "free time" to figure your short game out well before the most important tournament in all of golf (I know, I know, my British contingent would say that The British Open is the most important tournament. I say, too bad, I'm blogging in America! Wankers.....)??

Ogilvy is en fuego (that's "on fire" in Spanish Phil) right now, so I like him as a choice as well. I would pick Lefty (OMG, I'm even using the golfers NICKNAMES! Aren't you SO floored right now Phil?), but he just seems off his game lately. His accuracy off the tee has been just average, and average isn't winning it at Augusta, know what I'm saying? Also, his putting has been atrocious in the previous few events he's played in this season, and we all know they cut those greens smoother than my bottom ;) JK! Putting and chipping will be critical for all involved. As Pops says, "Drive for show, chip and putt for dough!" LSS - I like Vijay in a close one.

As for your second question Phil, I am assuming that you aren't being sarcastic and are actually asking about what my established golf handicap is right now. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. I don't know if you are an avid reader or not, but I should tell you that I'm only 11 days old. If you refer to Section 3-1 of the USGA Handicap Manual, you will see that it reads as follows: "In order to obtain a Handicap Index, a player must join a golf club and post adjusted gross scores. These scores are subject to peer review. After at least five scores have been posted, the club will be eligible to issue a Handicap Index to the player in accordance with the USGA Handicap System." The key words in that paragraph are "at least five scores". I'm 11 days old, 3 of which were spent in the hospital. Yet, in order to obtain said handicap, I need to play 5 rounds of golf or more. You sound like a smart man Phil, you do the math......

Keep them in the fairway Phil!

Q: "The Office" returns tomorrow night! Are you as excited as I am for the return of Jim and Pam? How about new TV episodes in general? Madison - Richmond, VA

A: First off, great name Madison! I bet people call you Maddie just like me! SO cool, I know. O-M-G, I am SO excited for the return of Pam, Jim, Michael, Dwight, and the rest of "The Office" crew! Those are my people! I even put Office Pam and Office Jim on my "SO into" lists back in the day.

The writers strike just killed me as I'm sure it did you. That was how I ended up SO into all these reality television programs. They were really the only thing happening at the time, so what was I as a little fetus to do? I cannot wait to see where the plot on "The Office" heads for these final six episodes of the strike-shortened season. They better keep Pam and Jim together. If they pull some "Ross and Rachel" type of stunt with my favorite two TV characters, I just might have to add the show's writers to my permanent "SO not" list. Writers, you really don't want this! The APGAR people are already in talks to reconsider the administration and content of their little "test". They were FREAKING as soon as word got out they were headed towards "SO not" list immortality, so writers, I'd take a hint and follow suit if I were you. Pam and Jim must stay together FOREVER! I hear tomorrow night is a dinner party at Michael's house. Dinner party at Michael's??? I'm already ROFLMAO and the episode hasn't even started yet!! I just know these episodes are going to be super fantastically awesome. I just KNOW IT!

I am also looking forward to, "30 Rock", "Scrubs", "Desperate Housewives", and "House". House would've totally been my second choice for a delivery doctor right behind Dr. Oz. He just tells you like it is, no frills, no unnecessary niceties, just the facts Jack! I admire his dry wit and his sense of humor, and I know when we had our little "complication" during labor, he totally would've just set my parents straight had they been "anti c-section". I can see the scene in my head right now. Dr. House would've walked in the room and told mom and dad that a c-section was necessary. They would have then begun arguing with him, telling him that they had a specific birth plan, and that au natural was the only way they were interested in going. Dr. House would have looked at them, popped a Vicodin, and then said "Great, love the birth plan! Did you also bring a death plan? I hope you got a baby coffin as a shower gift because you aren't going to have much use for receiving blankets and pacifiers if you don't take my advice". I know, that's slightly twisted, but you totally know that's what he would have said!!! Please, please, please, someone, bring your 4 page birth plan to Dr. House and then let me know what he says. I'm super interested.

Hope to play Flonkerton with you soon Madison!

Q: What is your take on the whole China/Olympics/Torch Relay/Protest Situ? Ming - Beijing, China

A: I cannot believe maddiepandfriends has finally reached Asia! Well Ming, 你好和欢迎! For all of my English speaking readers, that means "Hello and Welcome!" in Chinese. I was SO worried when I first started writing this blog that my sarcasm and sense of humor might not translate in different cultures (I know, I'm very concerned about all the people of the world. Surprising, RIGHT?!). Apparently, that is not the case as I have now received letters from China, India, and Japan. How EXCITING!

First off, Ming, I hope that the question written above was your actual question. I tried to enter your e-mail (which was in Chinese) into BabelFish for translation, but some of the characters weren't able to be recognized. I got "Olympics" and "Protest" just fine, but the rest of your e-mail just didn't make sense. I kept getting words like "bomb" and "anthrax" along with phrases like "5 rings of hellfire" and "closing ceremonies of destruction". I know all my maddiepandfriends group members are totally into world peace and mutual understanding, so I am super sure that you simply made a few minor typos. Plus, when I figured out "Olympics" and "Protest", I just KNEW you were looking for my opinion on what was happening! I should mention that I forwarded your letter to Jack Bauer at CTU so he could "take a look" (DAMMIT!), but I'm positive that he'll agree with me and say it's nothing. So NO worries Ming!

I am totally torn on the whole issue of the Olympics being held in China this summer. On the one hand, I see what people are saying about the insane amount of human rights violations that occur and have occurred in that country. I am not a fan of human rights violations, and I guess they should be held accountable for this (FREE TIBET!). However, we (and by "we" I mean all of us that AREN'T China) all have to take some personal responsibility for the globalization of commerce and the creation of a "world economy". We don't have a problem with China when it comes to affordable labor, reduced manufacturing costs, and extremely lax taxation and environmental policies. However, we suddenly have a BIG problem when it comes to them hosting the Summer Games? Am I missing something? I'm only 11 (almost 12) days old and I see the hypocrisy, yet no one else does? I'm just a BABY!! Hey, Patty Protester, check out the tag on your t-shirt you're wearing to the rally tomorrow, it says "Made in China". Additionally, those markers you are using to make your giant sign with witty slogan, also made in China! Yikes Patty, someone didn't do their homework.....

Sorry to get all political (CONTROVERSIAL!). This is why I avoid current events for the most part. I just get SO worked up, then I can't sleep, then I keep mom and dad up all night, and then I just worry that I might have offended some of my readers :( NO GOOD! That'll be my last pseudo-political rant for a while, I promise. Plus, what do I know, I'm only 11 days old (almost 12)!

Hope to see you in the interrogation room with Mr. Bauer soon Ming!

Well, dad is giving me the "cut" sign right now. He is tired, and he said he totally knows I am going to fall asleep for like, 20 minutes, just enough time for him to doze off into slumber land, and then I'll wake up crying so he has to come pick me up! SO funny, I KNOW! Sometimes I actually need something like a diaper change or some food. Other times, I'm just running with the advice Jack W. gave me in his comments last week. Super idea Jack, thanks for the tip! It is SO much better than just sleeping (BORING!).

Later.......

SO into:

• Musical Swings
• Jungle Mobiles
• Breakfast
• Rocking (in a chair or "rocking out", either way is AWESOME!)

SO not:

• April Blizzards
• Dirty Pacifiers
• Peeing Myself (EMBARRASSING!)
• Jason Castro (enough already!)

APGAR : Another Preposterously Ghastly Agitating Review!!!

O-M-G!!! Where do I even begin?! SO much has happened this week and I am learning and encountering, like, a bazzilion new things a day. What is a baby girl to DO?!

First off, apologies for all of the adverbs in my blog title today, but I was just SO upset that I had to pass a test so soon after my arrival. No one told me anything about said test, and I was just totally put off by the whole ordeal. I mean, C'MON Dr. Oz, I'm out of the womb for like, 5 seconds, and you already are subjecting me to standardized testing??!! I thought we were on the same page, and that we both agreed that these "state regulated standardized tests" were no way to save the American school system. Then you go and drop this APGAR situ on me before I even got to say HELLO to my mom and dad. SO LAME!!! I had no time to prepare, zero time to study, and was not even informed about what the subject matter would be. Dad told me, had he known ahead of time, that he totally would've "taught to the test" so that I could ACE it, but felt he preferred that I arrive well-rounded instead. Don't get me wrong, I still got super fantastic scores, but the pressure involved was immense. OH, THE PRESSURE!!! Final piece of advice on the APGAR to all my unborn fetii out there, GET A TUTOR ASAP! Don't end up in the same situ I did, K :) Oh, and my final final word on this test, APGAR creators, you have totally ended up on my permanent "SO not" list. You suck with a side of suck. The only other current resident on that list is the Yankees, so, GREAT WORK! You should be REALLY proud.....

Phew, now that I have that out of the way, I can get into more important and super cool things related to my first week in the "real world". The list of firsts is so immense that I am only going to go into detail about a few of them. I even have pics to go with some of these stories so GET EXCITED! Lemme see, I got my first mani this week! We (and by we I mean dad, such a CONTROL freak!) "decided" that I was going to get a trim and file only, no polish. Dad said it was totally inappropriate for a 4 day old to have nail polish. I asked him why and he just replied, "Because I said so, that's WHY." (FWIW - I think he's going to use that phrase A LOT over the next few years) I was quite distraught by his decision due to the fact that I already had a totally awesome dark blue picked out (it's SO in around Hollywood right now) and it perfectly matched my eyes. Whatever... Anyhoo, I had to settle for the trim and file. Here is a pic of me during my first mani:


Doesn't dad look like such the nerd? He was really concerned the whole time because he didn't want to cut the skin on my little fingers. I wasn't exactly "cooperative" either, so that probably added to his trepidation. Don't tell him, but I cannot wait until mom hops in on this operation. I know she's a HUGE fan of polish so I'm sure she'll understand my desire to be properly painted ;)

We also made our first trip outside of the house on Friday. I had to go to the pediatrician to get a check up. Don't worry, I was completely healthy! I guess it is some kind of requirement after your arrival to ensure I arrived in the condition I was supposed to. Here is a pic of me at my first pediatric appointment:


I ask you, do I look concerned in this photo? No? Well, I SHOULD HAVE been! I was just lounging with my blanket, minding my own business, when some stranger waltzed through the door (she said she was a nurse, but I didn't actually see her credentials so who knows?) and proceeded to try to separate my little heel from the rest of my little foot. I kid you not!! She mentioned something called a "PKU", so I proceed to "ask" her if PKU actually stood for "complete and utter torture, even worse than water-boarding"!! (borderline inappropriate, I know. It's OK, I'm just a BABY!) It was like one of those ginormous paper cuts, you know, not the ones with your standard photocopy paper, but the ones from that super-sturdy, rigid plastic that encapsulates almost any small electronic device these days. Like, instead of buying one of those cheap tools advertised on TV, you figure you'll just go at it with a pair of scissors, only while you are halfway through the package, the cut plastic slides across your hand, and then, BAM, you're suddenly all super stingy and bleedy (is that even a word?). Well, it was honestly just like that, only worse! I cried and cried (wouldn't you?)! I finally settled down and found that was the worst part of the whole visit, so the rest was quite enjoyable. Dr. Karen (Dr. Oz recommended her, we sadly had to part ways after the delivery. I know, SO sad...) just kept telling me how cute I was, and everyone just doted over me for the rest of the time. Then, we got to go to breakfast at Devil's Food (top notch, one of my favorites pre-arrival), so it turned out OK.

The weather has been SO nice out here that we were able to get out of the house again yesterday. This time, we went to something dad called the "driving range". He promised it would be "probably the most exciting thing I had done EVER", but I thought, exciting, not so much... It was still fun, don't get me wrong. We had been cooped up in the house for most of the week, so I just liked getting out in the sunshine. Here is a pic of me with my dad at the range:


Dad said he'd get me some clubs ASAP so that I could hit with him. I am not even sure I'm necessarily interested in this proposition, but he looked really happy about it, so I'll humor him for now.

One final thing I figured out this week was how to wriggle out of a super-tight swaddle in no time. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the swaddle. It's just that sometimes I don't want to be contained! Mom and dad get SO frustrated because they wrap me really snug, figuring this is the swaddle to end all swaddles, and that there it is simply not possible for me to get my hands free. Here is an example of that "ultimate swaddle":


Anyway, you should see the looks on their faces when, like 5 minutes after completion of the swaddle, I have my little hand up by my nose! Oh, the surprise, it just SLAYS me!!! I told them not to feel bad, I am just THAT amazing. I even tried to put a positive spin on my incredible "escaping" abilities. I said to dad, "hey, hang me upside down, put me in a tank of water, and let's take this show on the road. We can make MILLIONS!". Dad said that although he doesn't doubt how amazing I am, that my idea was extremely dangerous, and that him AND mom would probably end up in the clink if we tried to turn this little gem into a circus act. Whatever, Houdini, you've got NOTHING on me! I'm just saying.

Well, those were some highlights of my first week in the real world. I cannot WAIT to share more stories with you! Everything is just SO interesting. I am totally going to rock a MaddieP mailbag tomorrow so be patient (especially you, Aunt Em). I was so busy taking it all in that I totally skirted my blogging duties. Feel free to squeeze in any last minute questions you might have. As always, the bag is overflowing, but I can probably fit a few more in, you know, for all my real fans ;)

Later....

SO into:

• Baby Slings
• Car Trips
• Lounging
• Karate Pants

SO not:

• Standardized Testing
• Wet Diapers
• Lack of Extremity Control
• Gastrointestinal "Issues"

Technical Difficulties SOLVED!

Dad finally "got around to" fixing my music video. It now has the music with the video, rather than just a silent picture. I was like, "Dad, how can we possibly call it a music video with no FRICKING music??!!"...

Anyhoo, if you check my 10cc's positing again, the new and improved video has replaced the totally crappy video that was there. Check me out!

I'll be back tomorrow with new postings, "SO into and SO not" lists, and, yep, you guessed it, a mailbag at the end of the week! See you soon :)

Later........

I Need 10 CCs of Section, STAT!

OK, I have finally settled in a little bit. We just recently moved from the super wonderful L&D room to our new "Mom & Baby" room. Apparently, according to the name of these strange new land, dad isn't allowed in. JK Dad! You are SO allowed! Anyway, now that we've all eaten and gotten some sleep, I'm ready to give dictation, and dad said he's ready to receive.

Before we get into all of the stories, photos, and video (yes, you read that right, VIDEO!) I have for you in this entry, I first should clarify a few things in regards to my "Oysteriopukosis" post. Mom did NOT have any oysters and I did NOT actually have food poisoning. I am SO sorry if I was misleading. I was honestly trying to be funny. I did have an infection before my arrival, but it had nothing to do with shellfish. I thought I would be facetious and make the whole thing sound WAY more interesting than it actually was (MY BAD!). Dad said some of the maddiepandfriends group members thought I was being 100% serious, so I apologize if I threw anyone off :(

The infection did, however, have a pretty significant impact on my method of arrival. The original plan was to come "au natural", and we all thought that would be the case for most of the day and night, but said infection caused my heart rate to go up pretty high during my mom's labor. Dr. Oz thought that a normal delivery would create too much extra strain on my heart (OUCH!) and recommended a C-Section instead. I figured, hey, works for me, my head will TOTALLY be round now! Suck it Amanda in Cleveland!!! Anyhoo, everything went like clockwork (honestly, would you expect anything else different from Dr. Oz?), and me and mom are both healthy and just FINE!

I was able to "convince" dad to take some pictures of the L&D room before my arrival that he was unable to obtain during our tour. The first picture I suggested he take was one of, yup, you totally guessed it, SPOTLIGHTS!! We even did a trial run with the lights to make sure the positioning and intensity was just so. Here is one of the lights:


SO COOL, right?! Also, you remember my concerns over the location and labeling of the baby warmer and blanket microwave? I was STILL so scared when we first got into the room because both devices were STILL in the same exact spots they were during the tour. Apparently, no one "in charge" at St. Joe's is a maddiepandfriends group member (SAD!). Otherwise, this problem would've been rectified long ago, obviously. Well, dad decided to make a sticky label for the microwave to put my mind at ease:


Big ups to dad for the most excellent labeling system! There is NO WAY any of the nurses could possibly get confused now! That leads me directly into the description of my next pic (SMOOTH TRANSITION!) which is one of me, my mom, and my new favorite St. Joe's nurse, Beth. She was with me and my mom for almost all of our labor (I like to say "arrival process" but mom just kept calling it labor. I only have control over so much.) and she ROCKED! Very patient, very calm, and very reassuring during the whole process. Mom and I talked about it, and we really don't think we would've made it without her!


The entire staff at St. Joe's was super awesome, so big ups to everyone in the L&D family! I'm going to close out this post with my first MUSIC VIDEO! Dad was able to get some footage of me while I was awake (SO difficult as I am SO into sleeping right now!). We then realized it would be so cool if we added my arrival music to the video. Great idea, RIGHT?! I decided that "Don't Stop Believing" had to be the winner. SURPRISE! Feel free to sing along while you watch. Also, if you get everyone around you singing too, BONUS!




Later.....

Hello WORLD!!!!

You guessed it, I'm finally here! TOTALLY AWESOME!

Dad said he's waaaaaaay to tired to take a lot of dictation right now, so we'll write more about my "arrival adventure" later on. I did, however, want to post some pics of, who else, ME, to show everyone. ENJOY!





FYI - Here are the stats for all your office pools ;)

Weight - 7lbs 13.5oz
Height - 20 inches
Official Time of Arrival - 2:50am
Official Date of Arrival - 3/29/08

Later.....

Oysteriopukosis!

That's not the "technical" term for what's going on right now, but it should give you the general idea. So here's the thing. I had an inkling I was going to be arriving around this time, so I finally had the last blowout bash this past Wednesday night. Seeing as it was the last hurrah for all my open house party attendees, I thought I better do it right. I got Paul O. to handle the music (thanks SO much Paul for being "somewhat" flexible!), I had door prizes sponsored by MAC cosmetics AND the new L.C. collection, and I called in a favor to Vern Yip to handle all of the interior decorating. That only left me with food.... Yes, food...

It seemed like such a good idea at the time. Let me tell you, this was no "ruffle chip and french onion dip / chicken sticks / pizza bites" type of situ. I wanted to hook everyone up with some gourmet goodness, but wasn't sure where to turn. I called the usual suspects, Emeril, Gordon, and Mario, but they were all "busy". I was like, "MaddieP, what are you going to do?" Then, I had this super fantastic idea (or so I thought) to call the local culinary college and have them cater the affair. I know, OBVIOUSLY their caliber would not hold a candle to the chefs listed above, but I had blown most of the budget on cocktails, music, and decor, so I had kind of painted myself into a proverbial corner, if you will.

We met on Monday to discuss the menu, and I really only had one issue. It seems that one of these aspiring culinary geniuses thought that Oysters Rockefeller would be a wise, pass-around app. I calmly "explained" to this gentleman that the party was going to be in Denver, Colorado, and that finding oysters "on the cheap" out here might not be a reliable strategy. In fact, I was worried that it could create a gastrointestinal NIGHTMARE for my guests, and I surely didn't want to go out like that. Anyhoo, he insisted they would all be fresh, and that they would totally be a hit.

I squashed my skepticism and decided that it would be fine to leave them on the menu, but figured I'd stay away from them just incase considering my arrival was imminent. I avoided these little ocean gems for most of the evening, but kept hearing from everyone how "super fantastic" they were, and simply could not resist. BIG MISTAKE! One, only ONE, little rockefeller down the hatch, and now I have food poisoning! SO stupid! Hey, chef, if they are open BEFORE you cook them, THROW THEM OUT! You cut one little corner, gave me a dead oyster, and now you've delayed my arrival! Thanks a MILLION!

Don't worry, Dr. Oz gave me some antibiotics, and he says we're back on schedule. Although I think "schedule" is an awfully generous term considering we've been at this since 7am this morning. Stay tuned, I'll be here very soon :)

Later......

Guess Who's Coming To Dinner (EARLY!)?

(LIVE FROM ST. JOE'S HOSPITAL)

ME! I hope you're all sitting down because I have a big announcement to make. My arrival is going to be 3 DAYS EARLY! Big ups to Cedar for all the "encouragement" not to be fashionably late. I am having dad take TONS of photos. There will be pics of the aforementioned baby warmer AND blanket microwave, pics of the L&D (that's Labor & Delivery for all the newbies) room, and, most importantly, pictures of MaddieP! EXCITING!

Dad has already tested the spotlights and they are GOOD...TO...GO!!!!! Right now we're just chilling, making the final preps for my arrival. Aunt Karyn is here hanging out. Anyhoo, stay tuned for more news! Also, I will be suspending my "SO into and SO not" lists until after my arrival. There is SO much new stuff to be into and SO not, so I'm going to wait til I'm here. Plus, since most of this will be "live", that's just too many lists for me. I'm just a BABY!!!

Later.....

Get Your Braxton Hicks on Route 66

Yup, you guessed it! Still in here. STILL! I'm sure all my readers are familiar with the phrase "10 pounds of ish in a 5 pound bag" (ish is the polite, "persons of the younger persuasion" way of saying you-know-what). Well, let me just tell you, those sayings don't become cliches for nothing. O-M-G!! Someone let me out of here! You know how I wrote weeks ago about how crowded it was getting up in here? Multiply that by, like, 10 bazillion! "y'all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here..." Oh, forget it. I can't even muster the energy to sing! I told dad that I want O-U-T, A-S-A-P! He told me there wasn't much he could do (while simultaneously complimenting me on my spelling, thanks...), and that I'd just have to be patient. Well, I "explained" to him that patience is not one of my stronger virtues, especially considering I've been gnawing on my own kneecaps for, oh, say, 10 DAYS NOW!

Anyway, I'm pressing on. It's now a mailbag Monday. Yes, we've slipped from Friday.....to Sunday.......to Monday. I hope that you all understand the current situ and can allow me a little leeway during the final countdown. I lost my "A" game at some point this week. I think I left it somewhere near the cervix, but it's so FRICKING crammed in here now I'm lucky if I can find my own FRICKING thumb!!! See?? I don't even know if that made any sense?? Whatever! Let's get this "Pony Express" moving.

Q: MaddieP, three words for you, Oprah's Book Club. Love it, hate it, or SO over it? Stephanie - Bismarck, ND

A: Stephanie, I think you are my first mailer from North Dakota! Welcome! Is it still, like, super cold up there or what? I asked dad to check the forecast and he told me it was in the low 40s (BRRRR!). What do you do up there for fun? Do you even have a summer? Ooops! Sorry! Here I am asking YOU questions when I'm supposed to be answering your inquiry instead. My bad :(

I am going to have to go with "C" on this one. I just feel like I'm SO over her in general lately that I certainly don't think I'm interested in what she's reading! I just can't help it. Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely, lovely person, and I think she does super fantastic things for a lot of deserving people. I basically have just lost interest.

I mean, seriously, have you seen the latest book club selection? "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I'll tell you what my "life's purpose" is right now, getting the heck out of Dodge! After that, I can't really say as I've put too much thought into it. Oh, before I forget, it's by some weirdo named Eckhart Tolle. He also wrote "The Power of Now" if that gives you any indication of where he's coming from. You know how they say "never judge a book by it's cover" (apologies in advance for the cliche ridden post, but I'm grasping at straws right now). Well, I'm a judging and I'm a not liking. I'm giving it two tiny thumbs down based on the front cover and summary alone!

I hope you read something not self-helpful soon Stephanie!

Q: MaddieP, have you read "The Secret"? What are your thoughts? Emily - Brooklyn, NY

A: "you know very well, who you are, don't let 'em hold you down, reach for the stars, you had a goal, but not that many, 'cause you're the only one, i'll give you good and plenty...." I'm SORRY, I just can't resist! Every time I see your name and location in the mailbag, I just drift off and think about back in the day, when I was like negative 5 months, just kicking it, and how it was SO different! It was a different time, a different vibe, you know, just a whole different feel. Now, stuff is just so crazy, it's all tight up in here, floating is just not an option, my moms and pops is all up on me wanting me to arrive. "have his mother singing it's so hard...."

Anyway Emily, let me tell you, do I have a "secret" for you! Better yet, I have a "secret" for all of my faithful maddiepandfriends group members. I call it, "MaddieP's secret to making, oh, let's round up to 2 million dollars, by creating spiritual life guides and books that promise the world if you just think about it their way". Are you excited, cause I know I sure am! All you do is generate a completely unprovable and off-the-wall thesis, in this case that my positive thoughts are magnets for attracting wealth, health, and happiness, convince a bunch of readers the ideas work by offering random "success stories", and then get Oprah to buy in too! Suddenly, you're selling 3 million plus on Amazon.com and laying the FRICK up in Hawaii. What an IDEA! I'd like the author of this waste of 10 million trees to meet some of my mom's patients and hear what life is really like. I've got news for you, they could be thinking about sugar plum fairies and cute little kittens with cute little mittens, and their lives would still be extremely difficult, and they would still be "not wealthy" and would still be "not so healthy".

Hey, Rhonda, right now I'm thinking super-positive thoughts about arriving, like, yesterday. Here, wait for it..... I'm thinking really really REALLY super-positively about bathing in SPOTLIGHTS, basking in the baby warmer (not the blanket microwave nurse), and getting some love and affection from the rents. Man, I'm thinking so super-positively right now my head might just EXPLODE! Wait for it...... Wait for it..... BAM, NOTHING! Still in here! Still using my ankle as a chin rest. Thanks Rhonda! Can I get my $8.95 back now please? Also, feel free to use me in your follow up gem, "The Secret Behind The Secret: Why The First Secret May Not Have Worked For You, But Why, If You Spend $20.00 More, This One Will Most Definitely, 100% Work For YOU!!"

I am thinking super-positive thoughts for you Emily, right now. Call me when that million dollar suitcase lands on your doorstep!

OK, I also apologize for the brevity of this mailbag. I know I only answered two letters, but the self-help stuff just put me right over the edge. Add that to the frustration I am already experiencing, and well, I'm tapped.

Stay tuned for arrival news. I promise promise promise everyone there will be live blogging at my arrival party (when I say "live" it could be like "live before a studio audience" live, or live like you're on a 3 hour time delay due to the West Coast feed, but live enough). You will all know almost right away that I'm here so don't you worry ;)

Later......

SO into:

• Flatbread Pizza
• Playpens
• Vintage Automobiles
• Snow Globes

SO not:

• Tossers
• Wankers
• TV Dinners
• Heidi's New Fashion Line (Can you say "Cheap Skank"????)