Yes, I know, I was SO over him at one point. He kept going on Oprah with that 50 lb. glob of congealed scrambled eggs that supposedly "sits between our stomach and our whatever" lecturing America about health and I was like, hey, doc, I have my OWN set of problems that we need to address. Let's worry about saving America later, K? I mean, that audience has been at this whole thing called "life" for a minimum of eighteen years while I've been on the outside for about 180 days. This isn't their first rodeo, if you know what I mean. They can wait.... Let's focus.... So we were on and off, hot and cold, much like Dylan and Kelly from nine-O, or Katy Perry's new song if you're looking for references from this century, but now we're back on. I'll pause for applause.............. OK.
Anyhoo, Dr. Oz told me that apparently infants can get teeth anywhere between the ages of four and twelve months. Quite a frickin' range if you ask me, and you did. It makes it kind of difficult to plan my social life around that type of schedule. You might be thinking "what possible bearing could teething have on MaddieP's social calendar? I mean, they're just teeth right?". While you were thinking that, I was biting my lip trying to resist the urge to COMPLETELY FREAK OUT!!! O-M-G!!! Let me tell you, teething is NO garden party! Teething keeps you up at night, makes you sick to your stomach, gives you a fever, and also makes you drool uncontrollably 24-7. OH, and I'm leaving out the best part, my "fave" if you will. PAIN! OH, THE PAIN!!!!! Holy FRICK, it hurts so FRICKIN' bad! SO bad, that dad allowed me to put "frick" in caps twice in the same sentence.
If you still don't think it's a big deal, why don't you try going to a brand new, never before visited cause you just moved, playground, strike up a convo with the girl in the next swing over about Britney and whether her comback is for real, or simply another Gossip Mag/MTV fabrication (They build you up just to knock you down Brit Brit. Don't get fooled again!), and think you're making a new friend cause she's seemingly so enthralled with the knowledge you are dropping, only to look down and find out you've created a Lake Mead of drool below your swing! (EMBARASSING!) BTW - That sentence was way too long and totally a run-on, but I needed to make a point. Then, while you are frantically searching for mom with that "hey, little help here?!" look on your face begging her to swoop in with a washcloth and fix the mess, breakfast suddenly decides to make a return trip, and next thing you know, you're puking all over your new "friend's" shoes!! I don't think I need to tell you who couldn't sink into their stroller low enough on the way out on that fine day. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you, teething. Super fantastic!
Well, I realize there are babies starving in the world, babies without swing sets, babies who are unable to get their moms to help control their newly developed drooling problem, so I will stop complaining. I've decided to make the best of the whole situ and do something SUPER cool! You may not believe this, but I've asked dad to hook me up with a new grill! Yeah, you know, some teeth jewelry for my new teeth. (FRESH!) I understand that grills might have been, like, SO four years ago, but I wasn't around four years ago so too bad. I'm doing it anyway. Plus, I thought of the perfect inserts for my customized grill. No, not diamonds, not sapphires, not gems of any kind. I'll pass on the alphabet, precious metals, and any type of phrasing. You know what I'm getting on my grill? I know, the suspense is BRUTAL! OK, OK, I'm gonna tell you now. CARE BEARS! SO cool, right! CARE BEARS!! We're going with Wish Bear, Bedtime Bear, Birthday Bear, and Friend Bear on top, and rocking Funshine Bear, Cheer Bear, Good Luck Bear, and Tenderheart Bear along the bottom row. "The whole top bears, and the bottom row is bears too"?? Whatevs. You can't rap to it, but everyone is definitely going to be shouting "Smile for me Maddie. (watcha lookin' at?) I wanna see your grill".
On that note, I'm out.
Later......
SO into:
- Obama
- Winnie the Pooh
- Brain Teasers
- Cobra (it's a yoga position, look it up)
- Bathtime
SO not:
- Tax Windfalls
- Beady Eyes
- Direct Sunlight
- Dead Flowers (the flowers, not the song, love the song)
- Things that go Pear-shaped
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