Get Your Braxton Hicks on Route 66

Yup, you guessed it! Still in here. STILL! I'm sure all my readers are familiar with the phrase "10 pounds of ish in a 5 pound bag" (ish is the polite, "persons of the younger persuasion" way of saying you-know-what). Well, let me just tell you, those sayings don't become cliches for nothing. O-M-G!! Someone let me out of here! You know how I wrote weeks ago about how crowded it was getting up in here? Multiply that by, like, 10 bazillion! "y'all gonna make me lose my mind, up in here, up in here..." Oh, forget it. I can't even muster the energy to sing! I told dad that I want O-U-T, A-S-A-P! He told me there wasn't much he could do (while simultaneously complimenting me on my spelling, thanks...), and that I'd just have to be patient. Well, I "explained" to him that patience is not one of my stronger virtues, especially considering I've been gnawing on my own kneecaps for, oh, say, 10 DAYS NOW!

Anyway, I'm pressing on. It's now a mailbag Monday. Yes, we've slipped from Friday.....to Sunday.......to Monday. I hope that you all understand the current situ and can allow me a little leeway during the final countdown. I lost my "A" game at some point this week. I think I left it somewhere near the cervix, but it's so FRICKING crammed in here now I'm lucky if I can find my own FRICKING thumb!!! See?? I don't even know if that made any sense?? Whatever! Let's get this "Pony Express" moving.

Q: MaddieP, three words for you, Oprah's Book Club. Love it, hate it, or SO over it? Stephanie - Bismarck, ND

A: Stephanie, I think you are my first mailer from North Dakota! Welcome! Is it still, like, super cold up there or what? I asked dad to check the forecast and he told me it was in the low 40s (BRRRR!). What do you do up there for fun? Do you even have a summer? Ooops! Sorry! Here I am asking YOU questions when I'm supposed to be answering your inquiry instead. My bad :(

I am going to have to go with "C" on this one. I just feel like I'm SO over her in general lately that I certainly don't think I'm interested in what she's reading! I just can't help it. Don't get me wrong, she is a lovely, lovely person, and I think she does super fantastic things for a lot of deserving people. I basically have just lost interest.

I mean, seriously, have you seen the latest book club selection? "A New Earth - Awakening to Your Life's Purpose". I'll tell you what my "life's purpose" is right now, getting the heck out of Dodge! After that, I can't really say as I've put too much thought into it. Oh, before I forget, it's by some weirdo named Eckhart Tolle. He also wrote "The Power of Now" if that gives you any indication of where he's coming from. You know how they say "never judge a book by it's cover" (apologies in advance for the cliche ridden post, but I'm grasping at straws right now). Well, I'm a judging and I'm a not liking. I'm giving it two tiny thumbs down based on the front cover and summary alone!

I hope you read something not self-helpful soon Stephanie!

Q: MaddieP, have you read "The Secret"? What are your thoughts? Emily - Brooklyn, NY

A: "you know very well, who you are, don't let 'em hold you down, reach for the stars, you had a goal, but not that many, 'cause you're the only one, i'll give you good and plenty...." I'm SORRY, I just can't resist! Every time I see your name and location in the mailbag, I just drift off and think about back in the day, when I was like negative 5 months, just kicking it, and how it was SO different! It was a different time, a different vibe, you know, just a whole different feel. Now, stuff is just so crazy, it's all tight up in here, floating is just not an option, my moms and pops is all up on me wanting me to arrive. "have his mother singing it's so hard...."

Anyway Emily, let me tell you, do I have a "secret" for you! Better yet, I have a "secret" for all of my faithful maddiepandfriends group members. I call it, "MaddieP's secret to making, oh, let's round up to 2 million dollars, by creating spiritual life guides and books that promise the world if you just think about it their way". Are you excited, cause I know I sure am! All you do is generate a completely unprovable and off-the-wall thesis, in this case that my positive thoughts are magnets for attracting wealth, health, and happiness, convince a bunch of readers the ideas work by offering random "success stories", and then get Oprah to buy in too! Suddenly, you're selling 3 million plus on Amazon.com and laying the FRICK up in Hawaii. What an IDEA! I'd like the author of this waste of 10 million trees to meet some of my mom's patients and hear what life is really like. I've got news for you, they could be thinking about sugar plum fairies and cute little kittens with cute little mittens, and their lives would still be extremely difficult, and they would still be "not wealthy" and would still be "not so healthy".

Hey, Rhonda, right now I'm thinking super-positive thoughts about arriving, like, yesterday. Here, wait for it..... I'm thinking really really REALLY super-positively about bathing in SPOTLIGHTS, basking in the baby warmer (not the blanket microwave nurse), and getting some love and affection from the rents. Man, I'm thinking so super-positively right now my head might just EXPLODE! Wait for it...... Wait for it..... BAM, NOTHING! Still in here! Still using my ankle as a chin rest. Thanks Rhonda! Can I get my $8.95 back now please? Also, feel free to use me in your follow up gem, "The Secret Behind The Secret: Why The First Secret May Not Have Worked For You, But Why, If You Spend $20.00 More, This One Will Most Definitely, 100% Work For YOU!!"

I am thinking super-positive thoughts for you Emily, right now. Call me when that million dollar suitcase lands on your doorstep!

OK, I also apologize for the brevity of this mailbag. I know I only answered two letters, but the self-help stuff just put me right over the edge. Add that to the frustration I am already experiencing, and well, I'm tapped.

Stay tuned for arrival news. I promise promise promise everyone there will be live blogging at my arrival party (when I say "live" it could be like "live before a studio audience" live, or live like you're on a 3 hour time delay due to the West Coast feed, but live enough). You will all know almost right away that I'm here so don't you worry ;)

Later......

SO into:

• Flatbread Pizza
• Playpens
• Vintage Automobiles
• Snow Globes

SO not:

• Tossers
• Wankers
• TV Dinners
• Heidi's New Fashion Line (Can you say "Cheap Skank"????)