Labor and DeliverME!!!

Well, I'm back from the long weekend, and let me tell you, it was AWESOME! In today's blog I am going to give a comprehensive review of my visit to St. Joe's (aka "the hospital of choice" for my arrival) on Saturday, and more specifically, their Labor and Delivery unit. As subscribers, you essentially are getting a "sneak preview" of what the actual situ will be when I exit my current residence and greet the world. Isn't that EXCITING?! Below is a picture of the outside of the hospital, or "backstage" as I like to call it. This is where it will all begin, underneath this blue and white sign. Seems so simple, yet I have a feeling it is totally going to be CRAZY!



Oh, before I forget. I am going to have to describe what the inside of the unit looks like sans photos because my dad thought it would be inappropriate (and rather suspicious) to be the only one snapping pictures during the tour. I apologize in advance to all my readers, and will do my best to ensure my words create wonderful pictures in your head of what the entire experience actually looked like.

Before we move on to the inside of all L&D had to offer, I need to share a brief photo-story with you all. Below is a picture of the area outside of the aforementioned blue and white sign, in the temporary parking lot, marked "Baby's First Ride". After witnessing the exchange between these two gentlemen, a more apropos title would be "Baby's First Daddy-Is-So-FRICKING-Stupid-That-He-Can't-Follow-Simple-Car-Seat-
Installation-Instructions!!!! Ride...."



Since dad was unable to get the audio up and running for this photo op, I'm going to try to recreate the convo that went down between these two jokers.

Tech Guy in Yellow (whoa, before the flood of e-mails starts pouring in about me recognizing colors, dad assigned colors to each guy to enable you all to follow along. Pump your brakes, OK?!): "So, from the looks of things here, and the way you have this positioned here, you actually WANT your baby to die, right?"

Doofus in Green (shocked): "NO! Why would you say something so mean?"

TGIY: "I'm just saying, from the method in which you attached this child restraint system, it appears that you'd actually prefer to launch your baby like a projectile through the window and into the street during even the slightest fender bender rather than have him stay put in the vehicle."

DIG: "Oh my God, I cannot believe that you would say something like that! I love my child."

TGIY: "Obviously, you don't. I mean really, I could've locked four monkeys in a conference room with only this restraint system and a backseat and they would've done a better job."

DIG (now crying): "I'm SO sorry. I thought I knew what I was doing."

TGIY: "Did your restraint system come with instructions?"

DIG (still crying): "Yes...."

TGIY: "Well, did you get the "Japanese only" version, or are you just illiterate?"

DIG (crying profusely. sissy....): "I'm.....so.........sorry. Please TGIY, show me the way!"

Then there was some rearranging and some high-fiving, etc... You get the idea.... If my dad cannot do a better job (he's an engineer mind you) than this clown, GOD HELP US ALL!!!

OK, back to the tour. L&D Reception is configured much like a hotel lobby, with soft lighting, fake plastic plants, and, surprisingly, a variety of random ancient artifact knock-offs that would fetch, oh, about 25 cents a piece on Antiques Roadshow (don't you just LOVE that program?), 50 cents if they were in Texas that week. In all seriousness, reception is nice, much nicer than the general hospital reception that all of the "other people" have to use. Two tiny thumbs up for reception!

After reception we essentially entered "lock down". I had no idea SO many people in Denver wanted to steal me! I mean really, I think Andy Dufresne had an easier time getting out of Shawshank than I would have escaping this fortress. Anyway, security is super-tight, so that makes me feel safe AND wanted. I ask you, what could be better? Also, they give you jewelry, well bracelets, right away! COOL! I think dad would have preferred matching dog-tags, but I told him bracelets would just have to do. Two tiny thumbs up for L&D security!

The L&D room where I will stage my official arrival is just SUPERB! The entryway is surrounded with marble (could be fake too, but let's just pretend it is real) and stained wood, a perfect backdrop for the amazing things that transpire inside. The room was super nice and really spacious, and the bathtub was HUGE, a feature I especially noted since I'm "SO into" floating. There was even a radio and CD player so I can arrive to the tune of my choice! I'm thinking "Don't Stop Believing", "Young American", or "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangster", but I haven't really decided yet. Maybe we'll have a blog vote. Interested!? Honestly, there was really nothing to complain about. Two tiny thumbs up for the L&D room!

Well, this isn't a complaint, but rather a concern. The nurse showed us this thing called a "baby warmer", and right next to that was a "blanket microwave". Now, we've all been to hospitals, and we know how hectic they can get. My question to you is, where is my guarantee that some nurse, during the 12th hour of her 12 hour shift, won't slip up and put the blankets in the baby warmer and the baby in the blanket microwave!? HOW SCARY! I mean, SO dangerous, right!? And they totally have them right next to each other. Hey L&D, next time, let's put the baby warmer next to the bed (logical), and the blanket microwave across the room by the window (also logical). Look, the whole arrangement is just SO irresponsible if you ask me. I'm just saying..... Two tiny thumbs DOWN for the L&D warming configuration.

Alright, everyone, brace yourselves. I have saved the best part of the tour for last. I know, I know, right now you're thinking, "But MaddieP, the whole tour sounds totally super cool, how could it possibly get better?". Well, you're about to find out! The last thing in the L&D room......The BEST thing in the L&D room.....Was......Are you sitting down.......I hope so......SPOTLIGHTS! FRICKING GIANT, BRIGHT, "HELLO WORLD!", SPOTLIGHTS!!!!! O-M-G!!! Could it BE a more perfect setup for my arrival?! I don't think so. I get to greet the world bathed in shiny, fantastic, "look at me" lights for everyone to see! SO great! I am the luckiest girl EVER! Two tiny thumbs WAY up for spotlights!

Those were the highlights of the tour. I am even that much more excited for my arrival now that I got to see all of that. I hope you were able to envision the entire L&D environment so that your "MaddieP Arrival Experience" will be maximized. I will definitely be posting (hopefully "live") from there, so I look forward to sharing even more with you when my day finally comes.

Later........


SO into:

• A Tribe Called Quest
• Jumbo Prawns
• Sunshine
• Flutes
• Spotlights
  

SO not:

• Static Cling
• Potholes
• Microwaves
• Chardonnay
• The Yankees (totally forgot last time, but am saved by the fact that I already made them permanent on my "SO not" list, so hold your comments please.)