Guaranteed Mail Enhancement.....Or Your Money Back!

Well, it's FRIDAY! Time for another installment of the MaddieP mailbag (GROOVY!). Before I dive into my "mailbag that runneth over", I wanted to ask, do you notice anything different about me? Nope, it's not my hair..... You could have guessed my size, but that's not what I'm getting at here.... If you guessed "NO MORE FRICKING HICCUPS", you were right! And since I'm not fighting that battle anymore I have SO much more time and energy to devote to the blog. (LUCKY!)

Today we will be having what I like to call an "extended" mailbag session. I know, I know, you're thinking, "Extended? Is this going to be like one of those crappy, live, extended versions of songs that bands put at the end of their 'special edition' albums to take up space even though all the extended version is is the band jamming out for 15 minutes while everyone goes to the bathroom to score some more drugs?" And my answer to you would be, most definitely NOT. My extended version is going to be a million, bajillion times better than that, and will hopefully provide even more entertainment than my standard size mailbag. Are you excited cause I know I am! Let's get started.

Q: What do you think of your mom's patients? Are you going to come on March 31st during the middle of the Cubs home opener? Do you have an Idol pick yet? Are you frustrated with Deal or No Deal? Jeni - Olive Branch, MS

A: Jeni, Jeni, Jeni. So here's the thing.... I know I have yet to set any rules necessarily regarding question submissions, but you have now inspired me to create the rule of "1 Question per E-mail Please". I notice you sandwiched about 1,000 questions into one inquiry and it was almost too much for me to handle (OVERWHELMING!). Don't get me wrong, I LOVE your enthusiasm and your curiosity, I just want to make sure I give equal attention to all of my readers. Also, over-stimulation is a serious concern of people my age, so I am just trying to err on the side of caution. Let me see if I can answer a couple of these little nuggets now, and possibly leave the others for another Friday.

Sub-question 1: What do you think of your mom's patients? Jeni, I think mom's patients are, for the most part, wonderful people. He aprendido un poco español ;) That means, "I have learned a little Spanish"! SO cool, right?! They are all very curious about me which you know I just love. Mom and I have even come up with a little "game" that we play, especially with her teenage patients. While she is doing their exams, we'll wait for a pause when it's really quiet and nothing is happening, and then, out of nowhere, I'll kick or punch mom really hard in the stomach so that her shirt pops up! It REALLY freaks these girls out! I mean, you should see the looks on their little teenage faces (PRICELESS!). They look back at mom like "hey, I don't think I want that happening to me anytime soon", and that's when mom and I know we got our "message" across.

Sub-question 2: Do you have a pick for American Idol yet? I am still waiting to make a decision until the final 10. I know, it makes me sound like a fence-rider, but I'm just not sure I want to throw all my eggs in one basket yet. The consistency hasn't been where I like it to be, I've found a lot of the contestants to be "pitchy", and I'm just not "feeling anyone" in particular yet. Don't worry Jeni, I will be sure to announce my pick when we get to 10. BTW - Did you hear about the contest involving Chris Richardson, last year's like, 8th place contestant? Apparently, one lucky winner will get a chance to have him come sing at a party of their choice or something? My question to Chris would be. Lucky? Really? You weren't even good enough to beat out 6 people that weren't even good enough to beat out Jordin Sparks? O-M-G! Thanks Chris, but no thanks.

Appreciate the enthusiasm Jeni!

Q: MaddieP, are you going to arrive in time for the next season premier of "The Hills"? Cedar - Minneapolis, MN

A: "...staring, at the blank page before you, open up the dirty window, let the sun illuminate the words that you could not find...." Oops, sorry about that. Your question immediately had me drifting off, dreaming about riding down the PCH in Lauren's Mercedes (facing backwards in the backseat of course, safety first!), my hair blowing in the coastal breeze. But I digress...

Cedar, normally something as important as "The Hills : Season 4" (Hi L.C.!) would override any other activity I could POSSIBLY have going on at that time. In this case, however, I think I am going to fall back on my previous statement where I said I wanted to be "fashionably late" for my arrival. My reputation is at stake here. Dad had heard that the show was supposed to start again in March which would completely conflict with my current arrival schedule. If MTV could wait until the beginning of April to start the new season, that would SO be totally appreciated!

Regardless, I want you to know that I did ask dad to create an avatar for me in the "Virtual Hills". I looked at him and said, "Dad. I have 4 words for you.... Make me look GOOD!" and I think he did a pretty decent job, for a dad. Anyway, I have been able to follow all of the trials and tribulations of L.C. and Co. through this amazing virtual world, and will continue to do so until I am able to watch with you in the real world. I should be all caught up once that day arrives, so you won't need to waste time explaining the plots (CRAZY!) to me or point out who Spencer's trashy, and by "trashy" I mean, well, TRA-SHY!, sister is. I've got all that info on lock and will be totally ready to jump right in!

Looking forward to viewing with you Cedar!

Q: MaddieP, how do you know who Oprah's hairstylist is? Anonymous - Golden, CO

A: Actually Anonymous, my mom records Oprah on our TIVO everyday. When she gets home from work or has some free time, she'll sit down and watch while simultaneously explaining to me what is going on. She had Ken on one time and he just did the best makeovers with all these different women (AMAZING!). I remember thinking to myself how COOL it would be if he did my hair too, so I figured he at least deserved "first refusal" to do my hair for my arrival. FWIW - My favorite moment on every show is when Oprah announces her guest in the typical Oprah fashion. You know, how she like breaks the guest's name into pieces and yells? In this case, it was Ken Paves, so she was like "Everyone, it's Ken PAY-AVES!!!" Another example that may help you get the idea would be "Everyone, it's John TRA-VOL-TA!!!!" Mom and I go back and forth imitating her and, let me tell you, it never gets old (FUN!). Unfortunately Anonymous, we have just been SO unimpressed with her lately! Oprah's Favorite Things was wonderful, don't get me wrong. It just seems like the overall guest quality has been lacking, and she's been more into the "touching human interest stories" rather than interviewing famous people. Not a fan! Boring snoozefests about the latest self-help book or fad diet? No thanks. Probing questions about Gwyneth Paltrow's home life or Jake Gyllenhaal's latest relationship? Yes please!

Super question Anonymous!

Q: I find your "SO into" and "SO not" lists very intriguing. Where do you get all of the ideas for these lists? Brandon - Boise, ID

A: Brandon, it essentially works like those "word association" tests where someone says a word, and then you say the next word that pops into your head related to that word. Sort of…. Basically, dad formulates a list of 10-20 things in preparation for my dictation everyday. He then reads one of the words aloud, and I give him a tiny thumbs UP or a tiny thumbs DOWN depending on the word. All of the items that got a tiny thumbs UP go onto the "SO into" list, and the items with a tiny thumbs DOWN end up on the "SO not" list. SO simple, I know!

Great question Brandon!

Q: MaddieP, The Beatles or The Rolling Stones? Jessica - Baltimore, MD

A: Hmmm, Jessica, this is a REALLY tough question. Right now I am going to have to return to my fence-riding ways from my answer to Jeni's question and say BOTH! You see, mom is a huge Beatles fan, and has told me on countless occasions that she is immensely excited to drive around with me while listening to "The White Album". While my dad appreciates The Beatles and enjoys their music, he is more of a Rolling Stones guy. He told me that is definitely Pops fault since that is one of HIS favorite bands. I told them all it would make it much easier on me if they could just pick one, but I don’t see that happening. I guess the best answer to your question would be, I'll be a "wild honey pie" while I'm riding around with mom, but I'll be "talking about the midnight rambler" when in the truck with dad (SAPPY!).

Excellent stumper Jessica!

OK, that was a super-sized mailbag if I've ever seen one, so I hope you all got super-sized pleasure from reading all of those terrific questions and answers! I hope everyone has a totally fantastic weekend, and I hope to be back on Monday to report about what I did during mine :)

Later……

SO into:

• Mountains
• Pudding Pops
• Office Pam (Don't worry Pam, there's no Office Jim without you)
• Volleyball

SO not:

• Elastic Waistbands
• Pressure
• Convenience Charges
• 7-11

Girl, Interrupted.....

*hic* Well, this is just FAN-tastic! I've got the FRICKING *hic* hiccups and I cannot seem to shake them *hic*. How do you get hiccups in the womb *hic* you may ask? Well, *hic*, let me tell you, I don't have the slightest *hic* idea. It could be because mom *hic* ate too fast, consumed something too *hic* hot or too cold, or drank *hic* something carbonated (Diet Mountain Dew anyone? Yes please. *hic*). Whatever, it is totally on her, I cannot possibly take *hic* responsibility for this. I'm just a fetus.

Regardless of how it *hic* happened, here we are! Yippee! And by "yippee" I mean *hic* someone just kill me now! Do you know *hic* how hard it is to dictate my blog to dad *hic* when I don't know when the next one is coming or if *hic* they are ever going to go away? (IRRITATING!) It makes it really hard to *hic* focus, let me tell you. I was going to just skip out *hic* and wait until tomorrow, but it has been a while and *hic* I didn't want you all to get bored, or miss me too much... SAD :(

Dad tried to explain some "home remedies" to me *hic*, but none really seemed appropriate considering my current *hic* location. First he told me to turn upside down and drink *hic* a glass of water, or drink a glass of water *hic* upside down. I can't remember. Either way, it was OBVIOUSLY a terrible *hic* idea! I was like, I'm already upside down *hic* and how EXACTLY am I supposed to get a *hic* glass of water in here?! Next he told me to hold my breath for *hic* ten seconds while simultaneously swallowing. I was like *hic*, "hold my breath?", what do you think I've been doing for the past 8 1/2 months *hic*? I proceeded to ask dad if he had any other *hic* "super fantastic ideas for getting rid of my hiccups", but I think he caught the *hic* sarcasm (I laid it on pretty thick) so that was the end of "suggestion time".

I asked dad to Google *hic* (isn't Google the BEST! SO much information!) hiccups and he said that apparently, *hic* fetal hiccups are quite common and I shouldn't worry. He said they should *hic* go away on their own and not to blame mom. One woman on one particular website *hic* (I make it a policy not to promote websites *hic*, so SORRY unnamed website) said that she found her fetus's hiccups *hic* "entertaining". Yeah, lady, really FRICKING entertaining! *hic* Why don't you go stuff yourself in an extremely tight space *hic*, press your knees tightly against your stomach and your arms against *hic* your head, and *hic* have YOUR diaphragm spasm violently and uncontrollably?! Then, *hic*, call me and tell me how "entertained" you are. Seriously, give me a jingle OK? *hic*

Anyway, I apologize for the *hic* brevity of this posting, but I doubt you enjoyed reading this entry any more than I *hic* have enjoyed writing it. I am really excited for tomorrow (i.e. *hic* the Friday mailbag) as I have many questions that are in dire *hic* need of answering. I will make sure to answer extra questions *hic* to compensate for today's disaster.

Later....... *hic*

SO into:

• Smartwater (Thanks Jennifer A.!!)
• Office Jim
• Powerball
• Hot dogs

SO not:

• Hiccups (DUH!)
• False advertising
• Cobwebs
• Harlow (I think I just threw up in my mouth.)

Wild Wild Nest

I'd like to start out by saying thank you to Kool Moe Dee for inspiring the title of my blog today. I felt that needed some clarification right out of the box because I didn't want the readers to think I was basing it on that stupid Escape Club song of the same name. It also has nothing to do with that awful Will Smith movie, although I do think I will like Will Smith once I arrive. Dad told me all about "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air" and I am SO excited to watch it on Nick-at-Nite! I know I said last week that I was SO not into reruns, but I meant reruns of current shows that should be new but aren't because of the writers strike (LAME! I support the writers, but it's still totally lame.). Once again, I am on a tangent, moving further and further away from my original subject matter, so let me try to reign it back in....

OH, but before I forget, YES, I had a wonderful time on Friday night! Thank you for asking! We went out to a superb restaurant and stayed out really late. Apologies to those who showed up for the open-house party at 10, I should have called or at least sent out a group text, MY bad :( I even got to help mom drive home because "dad had too much wine". I pressed my little feet against mom's stomach which pressed against the steering wheel to help guide us back to the house safely (EXCITING!). It was SO challenging.

Mom and I decided that Saturday would be a great day for nesting, and by "nesting" I mean thoroughly cleaning and scrubbing every nook and cranny in the ENTIRE kitchen including the baseboards, tile grout, refrigerator drawers, and anything else you can think of! I know, CRAZY right?! Here is a pic of mom performing said nesting:


It was definitely fun though. I am not going to lie, I think I was a great help. I floated around while mom cleaned out the fridge, I kicked and punched while mom scrubbed the baseboards, and I slept quietly while mom sorted the cupboards. When her elbow rested against her stomach I would kick it to encourage her to keep scrubbing. I know, I do too much! I am just SO full of encouragement and I can't keep it in. You're welcome!

While mom and I did all of this nesting downstairs, dad was upstairs working on my nursery to continue preparations for my arrival. I know I previously mentioned that my room was going to have a jungle theme, so you won't be surprised to know that monkeys are heavily involved. HEAVILY.... Dad painted a monkey stencil on Saturday against the same wall where my crib is! Isn't that AWESOME!? Here is a picture of him standing under the finished stencil:


I know, I know, dad looks kind of goofy, but aren't the monkeys totally COOL?! I can't wait to look at them with my own eyes when I finally arrive. Dad swore he'd hold me really super close to them so I can see the shapes, and then he'd hold me up again when I have the ability to recognize colors.

Here are the finished monkeys, FYI:


I also spoke with him about possibly rigging the door so that every time it opens and closes, jungle sounds will play throughout the room. I know, AWESOME! Mom instantly put the kibosh on that idea though because she was afraid dad would substitute the jungle sounds with the song "Welcome to the Jungle" by GnR (I call them GnR cause that's what dad told me to call them. I'm not trying to be cool, it just happens). I told her, hey, they have fun and they have games, what more could a little girl ask for? Anyway, long story short, the music is most definitely OUT, but I'm still working on the humidifier and fog machine.

Well, that is how I spent my weekend. All that activity really tired me out and I am still trying to recover today. Wish me luck!

But before I leave you, I need to make a quick blog correction. Right now I know you're totally thinking "but MaddieP, you don't MAKE mistakes" and 99 times out of 100, you'd be right on. However, in this case, I was sadly, embarrassingly, wrong. Maddiepandfriends reader and contributor "kagger" did not actually arrive on Halloween. He came a few days prior, on October 29th! Sorry kagger! Your birthday is most definitely NOT SCARY, but I'm sure your ride home, that actually fell on Halloween, was still very frightening. MY bad :(

Later.......

SO into:

• Value Meals
• Travel Mugs
• HGTV
• Memory Foam

SO not:

• Packing Peanuts (I mean, they go EVERYWHERE!)
• Bee Swarms
• Pirates
• Dog Show Announcers

Caesarean Selections

Hello everyone! It's Friday, so that means it is most definitely time for MaddieP's Mailbag. I had a TON of submissions so please do not be sad :( if your question does not get answered on the blog. I am hoping that dad will hire me an intern soon so that I can have a little help reading all of your super cool letters. It's times like these that I wish I had a twin, then I could get him/her to be my assistant and help deal with all the stress that comes with fetal blogging. PHEW! It CAN be tiring.....

Anyway, if I do not answer here, I will totally try to answer your questions or concerns in private. We like to call that "taking it off-line". I know, that is SO the perfect phrase for this very situation! I am learning so many new things everyday. Oops, I could go on and on about what I am learning in the "blogosphere", but your questions are much more important. So here we go....

Q: MaddieP, you talked last week about the variance in your possible arrival dates and I was wondering, could you give me the inside scoop on when YOU think you'll arrive and what you'll tip the scales at once you get here? This information would be very valuable for the office baby pool we have going. Harold - Phoenix, AZ

A: Before I get into the answer Harry (can I call you Harry?), let me address something that grabbed my attention in the wording of your actual inquiry. I don't know what your current relationship status is, but I'm going to guess SINGLE, because you apparently have no tact when it comes to talking to girls. No girl ever wants to have the phrase "tipping the scales" associated with them in any way, shape, or form! I mean, really Harry, what could you possibly have been thinking? I am almost too insulted to continue answering your question, but for the benefit of the rest of my readers who may also have baby pools in progress dedicated to my arrival, I will press on.

I honestly think I am going to greet the world on April 2nd or April 3rd. This would make me almost perfectly, fashionably late. Did you expect anything less from me?! I won't be early (TACKY!), exactly on-time (ANNOYING!), or super-late (REALLY-ANNOYING!). Since it essentially is a party (a soiree for me if you will), I am applying the same arrival time party rules as I would in any other scenario. Totally logical right?! I mean, coming early, or even exactly on-time for that matter, could just create a ton of problems; people are still in the shower, apps haven't come out of the oven, the bar still isn't fully stocked, and dad's out running around for random things that mom forgot to buy at the grocery store, but now we have these PEOPLE in the way who need to be entertained! OMG! No good! And super-late is even worse since the party has already started winding down, guests have already left, the food supply is low while the bar is almost cashed, and DJ AM has reached his last milk crate of vinyl. Also no good! Bet heavy and bet often on April 2 or 3 ;)

As for my weight, I think we'll just leave that alone. You can guess whatever you want, but might get kicked out of maddiepandfriends Google group if I find out you picked over 9lbs. I'm just saying......

Excellent inquiry Harry!

Q: I am having SO much trouble beating Guitar Hero III on the "Hard" level, especially the song "One". I saw pictures of you and your mom playing, so I was wondering if you had any advice to help me get to "Expert"? Brian - Boston, MA

A: My mom and I had the SAME problem and we had a HECK of a time getting over the proverbial hump in GH3. When my mom first started playing, I would "encourage" her not to mess up by kicking her firmly in the ribs every time she missed a note. At first, it didn't seem to help as we ended up getting booed off stage quite a few times even though I was "encouraging" my little heart out. However, surprisingly, she continued playing and I continued kicking, and eventually, we had the whole crowd rocking. Before we knew it, we were at 98% accuracy and were shredding every song! You really need to apply the 3Ps to the situ Brian: Persistence, Patience, and Practice. If you do that, I think you'll most definitely make it in the virtual rock world! Please post comments with video once you accomplish your goal OK?! I am SO interested to see if my advice helped :)

Rock on Brian!

Q: Have you selected anyone to do your hair for your arrival yet? Also, how will the method of your arrival affect your hairstyle (i.e. caesarean or natural) since your head could possibly be misshaped? Amanda - Cleveland, OH

A: I put a call in to Ken Paves already to see what his schedule was looking like for April. His people have yet to return my messages (SO rude!), but I really liked the way he did Jessica Simpson's hair for the Grammys so I'm PRAYING they call soon... WHOA! Hold on just a FRICKING minute here! "...since your head could possibly be misshaped?.." Amanda, what do you mean "misshaped"? Is there a reason why my head would, for some ungodly reason, not come out 100% perfectly round and cute?! I do not understand your question.

OK, I just spoke with my dad and he explained that if I was born "naturally", my head might be elongated and, as Amanda the cow said, misshaped! I was really, really, disheartened by this information, but dad told me he was sure Ken could pull of some fantastic "UpDo" that would completely disguise any "head irregularities" during the first few days. Unfortunately, I have also heard that many babies are born without a lot of hair, so Ken may have to pull of a MIRACLE! Don't worry Ken, I have plenty of faith in you. You were SO awesome on Oprah! Also, my dad assured me that my head would be perfectly round and cute within days, so if my hair was thin, Ken could probably just add some temporary extensions and everything would be OK.

Appreciate the foresight Amanduh!

Alright, I'm pretty much out of time for a Friday! We're going out tonight so I need to get some sleep before dinner. Also, I see some Pinot Noir in my future, so I am not kidding, I seriously need some rest! Later........


SO into:

• Novelty Pens
• Laura Linney
• Waffles
• Spring Training

SO not:

• Shenanigans
• Snow (where is Spring?)
• Weightlifting
• Dusting

Wakey, Wakey, Eggs and Bakey....

SO this morning started out like any other morning as mom and I showered and walked around the house getting ready and putting Manny in his kennel etc so then we got in the car and headed to my mom's work but then decided that maybe we should stop at Starbuck's because I'm SO into Starbuck's so we did and I heard the barista's familiar "what can we get started for you this morning" question which dad says they do so that you will feel at home no matter what Starbuck's you go to anywhere in the world which is SO cool and part of the reason why I'm SO into them but then I heard something unfamiliar that basically sounded like blah blah blah EXTRA blah blah blah SHOT blah blah blah ESPRESSO and so now i have like all of this energy that i didn't expect and it's really cool but it is making me think really fast and everything is going a million miles an hour but i like it a lot and i just can't stop and it got me to thinking about all of these things but i can't focus on one particular thing because as soon as i do something even COOLER pops into my head so that is what i think i want to talk about but as soon as i start that something even COOLER pops in to my head an so on so i guess I'll just try to tell you what I'm thinking as we go and BTW i think my womb is changing colors because even though i don't recognize them as colors there are definitely lighter spots and darker spots and it kind of reminds me of a techno club and i think what would make this experience even more interesting would be to rock some tunes on my ipod while i observe the changing shades so let me see what i have loaded up oh here is a good one "We don't have to take our clothes off to have a good time no no we could dance and party (party) all night and drink some cherry wine ah ha na na na na na na NA NA!" OH that was fun that song is great to party to and I'm SO glad that I have it and speaking of the womb i think i could totally float from one side to the other in less than a second because i found if i scrunched my legs up and pushed against one wall i could TOTALLY get to the other side super fast so here i go watch me was that one second i'm not sure but it TOTALLY felt like one second or even less but just to be sure let's try it again so get your timer ready are you ready ok go how was that was that a second or less i really think it was that time but just to be SUPER sure let's do it one more time ready go ok how was that i think that might have been a bit over a second because my little legs are TIRED but speaking of things i can do really fast i am sure that i can do 10 little monkeys in under a minute because i am FLYING right now and my mind is moving wicked fast so here we go check this out 10 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 9 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 8 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 7 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 6 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 5 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 4 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 3 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 2 little monkeys jumping on the bed 1 fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed 1 little monkey jumping on the bed he fell down and bumped his head momma called the doctor and the doctor said no more monkeys jumping on the bed how was that was it under a minute i think it was or even if it was a bit over a minute that is still TOTALLY impressive so don't even try to lie and i think that was just AWESOME so feel free to write in and tell me how impressed you were and speaking of writing in i'd like to say hello to a new maddiepandfriends member named kagger who is super cool and was born on Halloween (SCARY!) and is the son of my dad's friends and i can't wait until we get to hang out back in Boston because i just KNOW it will be so much fun and even though he can't be here for my arrival i know he will be checking the internet regularly to make sure that my arrival goes as planned.......................................

OMG, I am suddenly SO tired! I don't even know what just happened?! Talk about CRAZY! Anyhoo, I think I am going to have to sign off now and go take a nap. I do like sleeping a lot, and I really don't think I can write anymore until I snooze for at least 12 hours. I hope I don't hear "EXTRA blah blah blah SHOT blah blah blah ESPRESSO" anytime soon because I am just WIPED!

Later......

SO into:

• Blankets
• Toast
• Butterflies
• Jokes

SO not:

• ATM Fees
• Floss
• Schedules
• Snakes

Labor and DeliverME!!!

Well, I'm back from the long weekend, and let me tell you, it was AWESOME! In today's blog I am going to give a comprehensive review of my visit to St. Joe's (aka "the hospital of choice" for my arrival) on Saturday, and more specifically, their Labor and Delivery unit. As subscribers, you essentially are getting a "sneak preview" of what the actual situ will be when I exit my current residence and greet the world. Isn't that EXCITING?! Below is a picture of the outside of the hospital, or "backstage" as I like to call it. This is where it will all begin, underneath this blue and white sign. Seems so simple, yet I have a feeling it is totally going to be CRAZY!



Oh, before I forget. I am going to have to describe what the inside of the unit looks like sans photos because my dad thought it would be inappropriate (and rather suspicious) to be the only one snapping pictures during the tour. I apologize in advance to all my readers, and will do my best to ensure my words create wonderful pictures in your head of what the entire experience actually looked like.

Before we move on to the inside of all L&D had to offer, I need to share a brief photo-story with you all. Below is a picture of the area outside of the aforementioned blue and white sign, in the temporary parking lot, marked "Baby's First Ride". After witnessing the exchange between these two gentlemen, a more apropos title would be "Baby's First Daddy-Is-So-FRICKING-Stupid-That-He-Can't-Follow-Simple-Car-Seat-
Installation-Instructions!!!! Ride...."



Since dad was unable to get the audio up and running for this photo op, I'm going to try to recreate the convo that went down between these two jokers.

Tech Guy in Yellow (whoa, before the flood of e-mails starts pouring in about me recognizing colors, dad assigned colors to each guy to enable you all to follow along. Pump your brakes, OK?!): "So, from the looks of things here, and the way you have this positioned here, you actually WANT your baby to die, right?"

Doofus in Green (shocked): "NO! Why would you say something so mean?"

TGIY: "I'm just saying, from the method in which you attached this child restraint system, it appears that you'd actually prefer to launch your baby like a projectile through the window and into the street during even the slightest fender bender rather than have him stay put in the vehicle."

DIG: "Oh my God, I cannot believe that you would say something like that! I love my child."

TGIY: "Obviously, you don't. I mean really, I could've locked four monkeys in a conference room with only this restraint system and a backseat and they would've done a better job."

DIG (now crying): "I'm SO sorry. I thought I knew what I was doing."

TGIY: "Did your restraint system come with instructions?"

DIG (still crying): "Yes...."

TGIY: "Well, did you get the "Japanese only" version, or are you just illiterate?"

DIG (crying profusely. sissy....): "I'm.....so.........sorry. Please TGIY, show me the way!"

Then there was some rearranging and some high-fiving, etc... You get the idea.... If my dad cannot do a better job (he's an engineer mind you) than this clown, GOD HELP US ALL!!!

OK, back to the tour. L&D Reception is configured much like a hotel lobby, with soft lighting, fake plastic plants, and, surprisingly, a variety of random ancient artifact knock-offs that would fetch, oh, about 25 cents a piece on Antiques Roadshow (don't you just LOVE that program?), 50 cents if they were in Texas that week. In all seriousness, reception is nice, much nicer than the general hospital reception that all of the "other people" have to use. Two tiny thumbs up for reception!

After reception we essentially entered "lock down". I had no idea SO many people in Denver wanted to steal me! I mean really, I think Andy Dufresne had an easier time getting out of Shawshank than I would have escaping this fortress. Anyway, security is super-tight, so that makes me feel safe AND wanted. I ask you, what could be better? Also, they give you jewelry, well bracelets, right away! COOL! I think dad would have preferred matching dog-tags, but I told him bracelets would just have to do. Two tiny thumbs up for L&D security!

The L&D room where I will stage my official arrival is just SUPERB! The entryway is surrounded with marble (could be fake too, but let's just pretend it is real) and stained wood, a perfect backdrop for the amazing things that transpire inside. The room was super nice and really spacious, and the bathtub was HUGE, a feature I especially noted since I'm "SO into" floating. There was even a radio and CD player so I can arrive to the tune of my choice! I'm thinking "Don't Stop Believing", "Young American", or "Damn it Feels Good to be a Gangster", but I haven't really decided yet. Maybe we'll have a blog vote. Interested!? Honestly, there was really nothing to complain about. Two tiny thumbs up for the L&D room!

Well, this isn't a complaint, but rather a concern. The nurse showed us this thing called a "baby warmer", and right next to that was a "blanket microwave". Now, we've all been to hospitals, and we know how hectic they can get. My question to you is, where is my guarantee that some nurse, during the 12th hour of her 12 hour shift, won't slip up and put the blankets in the baby warmer and the baby in the blanket microwave!? HOW SCARY! I mean, SO dangerous, right!? And they totally have them right next to each other. Hey L&D, next time, let's put the baby warmer next to the bed (logical), and the blanket microwave across the room by the window (also logical). Look, the whole arrangement is just SO irresponsible if you ask me. I'm just saying..... Two tiny thumbs DOWN for the L&D warming configuration.

Alright, everyone, brace yourselves. I have saved the best part of the tour for last. I know, I know, right now you're thinking, "But MaddieP, the whole tour sounds totally super cool, how could it possibly get better?". Well, you're about to find out! The last thing in the L&D room......The BEST thing in the L&D room.....Was......Are you sitting down.......I hope so......SPOTLIGHTS! FRICKING GIANT, BRIGHT, "HELLO WORLD!", SPOTLIGHTS!!!!! O-M-G!!! Could it BE a more perfect setup for my arrival?! I don't think so. I get to greet the world bathed in shiny, fantastic, "look at me" lights for everyone to see! SO great! I am the luckiest girl EVER! Two tiny thumbs WAY up for spotlights!

Those were the highlights of the tour. I am even that much more excited for my arrival now that I got to see all of that. I hope you were able to envision the entire L&D environment so that your "MaddieP Arrival Experience" will be maximized. I will definitely be posting (hopefully "live") from there, so I look forward to sharing even more with you when my day finally comes.

Later........


SO into:

• A Tribe Called Quest
• Jumbo Prawns
• Sunshine
• Flutes
• Spotlights
  

SO not:

• Static Cling
• Potholes
• Microwaves
• Chardonnay
• The Yankees (totally forgot last time, but am saved by the fact that I already made them permanent on my "SO not" list, so hold your comments please.)

I've Got Mail!

From time to time on my blog, I will attempt to answer some subscriber mail. I have received numerous questions already (I KNOW, only 2 days and we're already to "numerous" status on the questions! SO great!), and will do my best to address as many of your letters as I can. I will select the most pertinent ones for blog publication since I am guessing many readers may have similar questions. Cool, RIGHT? However, this is my first try, so please be patient...

Q: I have heard that your nails grow really super long while in the womb. Is this true, and if so, how will this affect your arrival? Tiffany - Newark, NJ

A: Well Tiffany, it is totally true! I am looking at my hands now and thinking "what am I going to do about these Wicked Witch of the West nails?" They are atrocious! I am in serious need of a mani, but it is simply not possible because of my current location. While it won't physically have a negative effect on my arrival, mentally it is very taxing. I mean, this is my chance to shine! The first time I get to greet the world and I'm stuck with these claws. How embarrassing! My mom always says, never present yourself in public without getting a mani and a pedi first! This will have to be the one exception to that rule, and I apologize to everyone in advance. My advice to all of you: look away from my hands, focus on my face....

Great question Tiffany!

Q: I noticed on your "SO not" list yesterday that some character named "Beth" was named. Who is this "Beth" and why are you SO not into her? Jonathan - Dallas, TX

A: John (can I call you John?), that is a great question! Beth is one of the cast members from The Real World : Los Angeles which aired, like, 100 years ago. However, she continues to sign up for every Real World/Road Rules Challenge that comes down the pipeline. I am SO not into her because she won't just let it go and call it an MTV Reality career. John, she is literally like 85 years old in MTV years! She was 24 when she first appeared on the Real World. 24!!!! Need I remind you that RW:Los Angeles was "Season 2" and they are now on SEASON 18?! I mean, COME ON! I am all about these Challenges as much as the next girl, but I know when it is time to put a horse out to pasture. She qualifies. BTW - Coral, if you're reading this, you're SO next so I'd seriously recommend retiring after Mexico.

Thanks for writing John!

Q: MaddieP, I really like the ultrasound photos you posted the other day. Are you going to post any more photos for us to look at? Christian Bale - Los Angeles, CA

A: Christian, OMG, thank you for taking time out of your schedule to read my blog and write to me! I know you are SO in in Hollywood right now doing tons of movies, so I am overwhelmed by your interest in my blog. Actually, Dr. Oz said that no more ultrasounds will be performed :( Supposedly, they are unnecessary unless there is a problem or concern, and right now I am giving him neither. Completely LAME, I know! Especially considering that the idiot ultrasound lady definitely did not get my good side in those last few pics.......

....Wait..... I just re-read your question and am now a bit disturbed if I may be totally honest. At first, I was flattered by your inquiry, but now I am wondering why you are so interested in me and my ultrasound photos. Are you some sort of weirdo? No offense, but it really just doesn't seem normal. Anyway, I've forwarded your name, address, phone number, and request on to both Dr. Oz AND the Los Angeles Police Department so hopefully someone will "get back to you" shortly.

Appreciate the question Christian!

Q: I was really inspired by your blog and want to start my own. However, it must be really difficult to blog from inside the womb. How are you able to do all of that formatting and typing in such a cramped space? Unnamed Fetus - Portland, OR

A: So here's the thing Unnamed Fetus. I was totally going to start out answering your question all serious, like I was really into it, lead you on, and then level with you. However, your question is just SO FRICKING stupid that I couldn't bring myself to do it! You are SUCH a fetard! Let me see, when my dad gets home from work, he fires a wireless keyboard and mouse into my mom's peek-a-choo, and then I just type away and return it all when I'm finished! Do you really think that is even remotely possible? Let me give you some advice UF. When you grow up and are tall enough to ride the carousel at the fair, make sure your mom puts you on one of the horses that DOESN'T MOVE! O-M-G!

Obviously, I dictate what I want the blog to say to my dad and he enters all of the words for me. I DON'T do the formatting as I explained in the first post. I told my dad to pick a decent format and then make adjustments once he received feedback from my subscribers. So you see UF, it is my blog, but channeled through my dad. GET IT?!

Good work making everyone else in the world feel smarter than you UF! Thanks for the "great" question?!

OK, that's about all the time I have for today's mailbag. I'm going to try to do this once a week if it is at all possible. I enjoy your questions and LOVE answering them, so keep them coming!

Tomorrow I get to go check out where I will be arriving once I check out of Casa de Utero. I am super excited! I only hope that there is "good" lighting, and that the amenities are all Dr. Oz said they would be. Later......

SO into:

• Blue Cheese
• Weezer
• Frogs
• Tennis Shoes

SO not:

• J.Lo
• Fetards
  
• Airport Security
• Reruns
• Sharks

MVP Cribs : Shower Edition

What's up Family? First off, I'd like to say big ups to Grandma and Pops for hooking me up with this sweet crib! It served as the inspiration for this post, and I must say that I cannot wait to lounge in the lap of antique white luxury. FYI - I emphasize antique white since mom was never allowed to have white furniture when she was younger. Anyway, I wanted to take some time to thank everyone for their super cool gifts at my two showers, and to also share a few pics of some gifts that have back-stories to accompany them. "Lost-style" back-stories if you will....

But before I get into that, I need to address some concerns that arose from the posting yesterday, mainly surrounding my comment about shutting down the daily open-house parties in six weeks. Dr. Oz had told me that my official arrival date was April 1st (April Fool's, yeah, I get it. SO funny....) , so naturally, I had my final, mega-blow-out bash scheduled for March 31st, which is about 6 weeks from now. Dr. Oz has always been super reliable so I figured I could take his date "to the bank".

Anyhoo, I just found out this morning that his date was only an "estimate" and that I could in fact arrive at any point from basically next week to April 15th!!! Um, HELLO, how am I supposed to coordinate my social schedule around that broad of a time-frame?? I told him that I had Paul Oakenfold, FRICKING PAUL OAKENFOLD!, set to DJ my final bash, and that all the invites had already been sent! Dr. Oz said there was not much he could do, that he simply wouldn't do an induction because I had a party to host. He can be so difficult sometimes.

I called Paul right away but he said that his planner is booked solid and he simply cannot work on a last-minute type arrangement, so I'm essentially SOL in the DJ department. Well, I am now stuck scrambling to find someone more flexible, and am hoping I'll at least be able to book DJ A.M. if no one else is available. No offense DJ A.M., but your song selection has been SO WEAK lately :( I REALLY don't want to hook up the IPod and put it on shuffle for an event of this magnitude, but I honestly may have no other option.

Long story short, the final bash/party shutdown could happen at any time from now until mid-April. It could be Saturday, it could be next Friday, it could be April 10th. You know, it's wahtevs. Anyway, I appreciate your patience and understanding, and hope you all can still attend the celebration. Back to the shower stories...

One of the most touching gifts was sent to me by my friend Cedar. If you feel YOU in fact sent the most touching gift, please do not be offended by this post. I received many sentimental and thoughtful items that I will cherish always. It's just that, if you knew Cedar like I do, you would most definitely agree that Cedar normally is the antithesis of sentimental. Receiving this gift from her was like getting a Heifer International donation card from Dick Cheney. It just DOESN'T happen! Normally anyway ;)



Anyway, thank you Cedar. I will keep it hanging on my closet door forever. And by "forever" I mean until I'm about 12 or 13 and start hating my parents.

A few other gifts that I wanted to share with all my readers were those from my friend Amy. She lives in L.A. The first was this custom-made onesie. I ask you, have you ever seen a custom-made onesie? Well, you have now:



I don't know if you can read what it says, but it reads "What's in your Bottle?" LOL! Isn't that SO funny?! I am thinking about getting some more in pink and some in blue to give out as door prizes for my last party. BTW - Amy totally has copyrights to that phrase and that design so don't even think about biting it for commercial use. My aforementioned friend Cedar is a lawyer and we will SO sue you if we see any of these on Sunset, or anywhere else for that matter.

Finally, another gift from Amy, mainly because of the story that goes with it. First, my nursery theme is monkeys/jungle so it totally fits. Second, you might have seen this gift before. "But Madelyn, where would I have seen this before?" you might be asking. Well, go into your bathroom, sift through your magazine rack (am I the only one with a magazine rack in the can?) and pull out all your old copies of US Magazine. In one of the past issues, there was an "aside" if you will, explaining what the stars carry in THEIR diaper bags. This was one of those little gems:


SO cool, right?! FWIW - Amy told me that her gifts were WAY better than those in the SWAG bags at the Jolie-Pitt shower! I'm not bragging, I'm just saying. I've heard Amy called lots of things (skank, home-wrecker, etc.), but never a "liar", so I know she's totally telling the truth. I guess Angelina gave away completely "run-of-the-mill" onesies from Kitson, and some notice about how, in lieu of more SWAG, the family would just be donating money in the guests' names to Africa. GREAT! THANKS! Suck it, Jolie-Pitt's!!!!

OK, I'm totally rambling now. Time to wrap it up. You all gave me wonderful things and made me that much more excited for my arrival. I cannot wait to get into my nursery and check out in person all of the awesome things you sent! I love you all and SO appreciate everything!

Later.....

SO into:

• Punching (The liver is not only a filtration device, but a great speed-bag)
• Salmon
• Diet Mountain Dew
• German Films

SO not:

• Cramps
• Not recognizing holidays
• Beth
• The Yankees

Does this ultrasound make my head look big?

Seriously, I need to know. Don't lie to me. Dr. Oz (actually, I have a different doctor, but her name is SO hard to pronounce and wouldn't it be SO cool if Dr. Oz was my doctor?) says it measured in the 95th percentile so it is most definitely not small. I can handle honesty, just don't be mean.

Anyway, this is my new blog. Isn't it cool?! What do you think of the layout? I can't recognize colors yet and can barely see more than 18 inches in front of my face, so please comment and let me know if it looks heinous. I am open to suggestions.

I'll be posting pictures and videos of myself here (I know, self-absorbed much?) for you to check out so you can follow my development over the internet. I might even post some with my parents but that is still TBD.

To all of my subscribers, WELCOME! I hope you get as much enjoyment reading my blog as I do writing it :) BTW - I have an open-house party for friends and subscribers ever night at my womb around 10pm (or whenever mom tries to go to bed) so feel free to stop by. As always, it is BYOB, so if you want to drink it you better bring it. There are only about 6 weeks of said parties left before we shut the place down, so stop by sooner rather than later.

To close each post, I'm going to write a current list of things I'm into right now and things I'm totally not into. Later.....

SO into:

• Kicking
• Punching
• Sleeping
• Noise of any kind
• Floating
• Starbucks
  

SO not:

• Stillness
• Spicy foods (OH, the heartburn!)
• Cramped spaces
• The Yankees (permanent on my "SO not" list)