Why Don’t You Take A Picture?? It’ll Last Longer!

O-M-G! I had no idea that my blogging, when combined with my overwhelming cuteness, would cause such a stir every time I go out in public. Between my mom and dad snapping endless pics, to people staring at me everywhere I go, I just CANNOT get a break. I went out to breakfast on Monday morning, trying to rock the incognito look, hiding under a bunch of clothes and a few blankets (BRRR, It was COLD!). I figured surely no one would recognize me. WRONG! I just settled in for a bottle and an omelette, got all cozy, and suddenly, out of nowhere, BAM, someone is at the table all up in my grill. “Look at the baby, look at the baby!” anonymous fan yelled. Well, let me tell you, it only takes one. Before I knew it, I was holding Monday morning service at table #5 for all of these lookie loos!

Don’t get me wrong, I am totally super flattered that all of these people are just SO interested in me and what my current situ is. I think I simply underestimated the “price of fame”, if you will. Britney, I am totally feeling your pain! And I’m not even “country” or anything even remotely close to that (No lap rides in the car for me, thanks for asking!). I really feel I should’ve taken more serious steps to remain completely anonymous, but I believe it is now too late. Whatever, I’ll roll with it cause that’s just what I do ;) All of this attention did inspire me to post some more pics today on my blog. I am PRAYING that these will satisfy the insatiable appetites of all my Denver fans, and allow me to get a little bit of peace and quiet while I’m cruising around Target or chilling at Café Europa. Stay tuned.

Someone please get that pacifier out of my ear. Thanks!

Mom and I post bath time... Finally WARM!

Just kickin' it in my room

YIKES! We look WAAAY too much alike!

I should also tell you (I don’t know if you can see it in the pics or not. If you answer “NOT”, that would be completely AWESOME!) I just realized yesterday that I totally have “baby acne”. Um, HELLO, isn’t acne supposed to start when you’re, like, 12 or 13 YEARS old. Mine started when I was, like, 12 or 13 DAYS old! I mean, COME ON! This totally FRICKING stinks! I am already having complexion issues and I haven’t even hit a month. Dad said to look on the bright side. He said I should use it to my advantage and call the Proactiv people to offer my services as a spokesbaby. What a great idea I thought (SHOCKING!). If anyone from Proactiv is reading this, and I’m sure someone is, please drop me a line or give me a jingle on Skype. I’ll send you my portfolio and list of credentials (it’s SUPER long, just an FYI) so we can work something out. Jessica S., I apologize in advance for becoming your inevitable replacement, sometimes things just happen. Sorry L

Mom suggested that, in the meantime, while I wait by the phone for my lifetime supply of Proactiv formula, that maybe taking a bath would help. I was like, “Bath? I’ve never had one of those before, let’s rock!” Well, the administration of said bath was the complete opposite of “enjoyment”, and I need to tell you right now, I was not a fan! My parental units are forced to use a minimal amount of water in the infant tub so that I am not at risk for drowning. I don’t know if you’ve ever tried to bathe in a “minimal amount of water”, but it’s NO garden party! Go sit in a puddle while someone sprinkles water over the rest of your exposed body. Or, if you don’t have a puddle handy, jump in the shower for 10 seconds, get your entire body soaked, then stand just outside of the stream of water, with only your hand still immersed, then write me and tell me how you feel. Are you all nice and warm?!! Heck, write in real-time so I know exactly how you’re feeling at that exact moment. I’m super curious!

It was like, my butt and thighs were nice and cozy and warm the entire time, while the rest of me was just completely FREEZING! Sure, mom or dad would squeeze a little warm water over my chest, arms, or feet, but that lasts, oh, say, 2 SECONDS! Then it’s back to IceTown, population ME! After the arms and feet, they squeezed a little more warm water over my head as if to toy with me, offering temporary promises of total body warmth and comfort, but immediately pulled it all away with one brush of the washcloth (CURSES!). Two long (but still tiny) thumbs down for the whole bath experience.

The only highlight of “bath time” AKA “water-boarding: part deux” was the aftermath where I got to snuggle up in my bathrobe and lounge around the house. Here is the pic:

Don’t I look SO super comfy?! I was! This photo has “hand me a corncob pipe stuffed with your finest tobacco and plop me in a leather recliner” written ALL over it! I mean, seriously. I could just hang out, post-bath, in this little piece of terrycloth heaven for DAYS! Thank you Nancy, great shower gift choice! I might just start wearing this robe everywhere.

The last thing I wanted to mention is I am really enjoying the food they serve at Casa De Poppish. Sure, it’s always the same, but it’s simple and consistent, just like Chef Ramsay likes. Big ups Gordon, love Kitchen Nightmares (SPOOKY!)! However, dad always gets a little frustrated since I seem to never completely finish my meal. I always leave about 2 sips in the bottom of the bottle and he can’t figure out why. Dad, let me put it into terms you can relate to. My bottle is no different than that of YOUR average beer bottle, and we all know that the last 2 sips are ALL backwash, NO substance! What makes you think I’d be any more interested in drinking that down than you are? I may be just a BABY, but I have standards too! I’m not complaining, I’m just saying.

That’s all for now. Feel free to save all the photos I posted on to your hard-drive and stare away!

Later.....

SO into:

• Crossing My Eyes
• Strolling
• Sitting Sidewayz
• Manny Ramirez (POW!)

SO not:

• Constipation
• Unanticipated Wardrobe Changes
• Baby Wipes
• Burping

Vanna, Pick Me A Letter :)

I know you've all been hitting "refresh" on my blog repeatedly for the past two days, just WAITING for the FRICKING mailbag!! I am SO sorry! I know my apologies are quickly becoming hollow since my schedule is never what I say it's going to be (I blame dad mostly) but I am totally doing my best, all things considered. I will make a promise from here on out that I will not give specific dates for specific posts any longer so as to not create continuous false expectations. I absolutely DO NOT want my blog to become another "GnR - Chinese Democracy" type situ. Eventually, fans get tired of waiting and look elsewhere for entertainment, know what I mean? Are you following me Axl? Anyhoo, I am not interested in becoming the "baby who cried wolf" (SCARY!), so let's just start over, K?

This week I am shooting for a totally topical, current events theme. I have answered many inquiries from a variety of super fantastic e-mails, but wanted to do a mailbag about things happening right this second, right this minute, or, in some cases, right this week. Luckily, all of my maddiepandfriends are quite inquisitive, and a good amount of them ask these very type of questions on the regular. Before this subject matter becomes "old news", let's get into it!!

Q: MaddieP, I totally enjoyed your pic with your dad at the driving range. With The Masters beginning tomorrow, do you have a prediction for a winner? Also, what is your handicap? Phil - Augusta, GA

A: Phil, I know you are just waiting for me to make the predictable pick and say Tiger. After all, I'm only a baby, so how much golf knowledge could I possibly have at this point in my life? For that matter, how many golfers could I possibly even know about? Lemme tell you Phil, I hope you're sitting down, because I am going to drop some serious knowledge on you right now.

I'm a big fan of Vijay, and I am REALLY pulling for him this year. His work ethic is impeccable (sound like anyone you know Phil?) and I think he has the all-around game to take it down over the weekend. However, I hear he is working with a new putter or two which gives me some cause for concern. Vijay, this is The Masters!! Didn't you have some "free time" to figure your short game out well before the most important tournament in all of golf (I know, I know, my British contingent would say that The British Open is the most important tournament. I say, too bad, I'm blogging in America! Wankers.....)??

Ogilvy is en fuego (that's "on fire" in Spanish Phil) right now, so I like him as a choice as well. I would pick Lefty (OMG, I'm even using the golfers NICKNAMES! Aren't you SO floored right now Phil?), but he just seems off his game lately. His accuracy off the tee has been just average, and average isn't winning it at Augusta, know what I'm saying? Also, his putting has been atrocious in the previous few events he's played in this season, and we all know they cut those greens smoother than my bottom ;) JK! Putting and chipping will be critical for all involved. As Pops says, "Drive for show, chip and putt for dough!" LSS - I like Vijay in a close one.

As for your second question Phil, I am assuming that you aren't being sarcastic and are actually asking about what my established golf handicap is right now. I'm giving you the benefit of the doubt. I don't know if you are an avid reader or not, but I should tell you that I'm only 11 days old. If you refer to Section 3-1 of the USGA Handicap Manual, you will see that it reads as follows: "In order to obtain a Handicap Index, a player must join a golf club and post adjusted gross scores. These scores are subject to peer review. After at least five scores have been posted, the club will be eligible to issue a Handicap Index to the player in accordance with the USGA Handicap System." The key words in that paragraph are "at least five scores". I'm 11 days old, 3 of which were spent in the hospital. Yet, in order to obtain said handicap, I need to play 5 rounds of golf or more. You sound like a smart man Phil, you do the math......

Keep them in the fairway Phil!

Q: "The Office" returns tomorrow night! Are you as excited as I am for the return of Jim and Pam? How about new TV episodes in general? Madison - Richmond, VA

A: First off, great name Madison! I bet people call you Maddie just like me! SO cool, I know. O-M-G, I am SO excited for the return of Pam, Jim, Michael, Dwight, and the rest of "The Office" crew! Those are my people! I even put Office Pam and Office Jim on my "SO into" lists back in the day.

The writers strike just killed me as I'm sure it did you. That was how I ended up SO into all these reality television programs. They were really the only thing happening at the time, so what was I as a little fetus to do? I cannot wait to see where the plot on "The Office" heads for these final six episodes of the strike-shortened season. They better keep Pam and Jim together. If they pull some "Ross and Rachel" type of stunt with my favorite two TV characters, I just might have to add the show's writers to my permanent "SO not" list. Writers, you really don't want this! The APGAR people are already in talks to reconsider the administration and content of their little "test". They were FREAKING as soon as word got out they were headed towards "SO not" list immortality, so writers, I'd take a hint and follow suit if I were you. Pam and Jim must stay together FOREVER! I hear tomorrow night is a dinner party at Michael's house. Dinner party at Michael's??? I'm already ROFLMAO and the episode hasn't even started yet!! I just know these episodes are going to be super fantastically awesome. I just KNOW IT!

I am also looking forward to, "30 Rock", "Scrubs", "Desperate Housewives", and "House". House would've totally been my second choice for a delivery doctor right behind Dr. Oz. He just tells you like it is, no frills, no unnecessary niceties, just the facts Jack! I admire his dry wit and his sense of humor, and I know when we had our little "complication" during labor, he totally would've just set my parents straight had they been "anti c-section". I can see the scene in my head right now. Dr. House would've walked in the room and told mom and dad that a c-section was necessary. They would have then begun arguing with him, telling him that they had a specific birth plan, and that au natural was the only way they were interested in going. Dr. House would have looked at them, popped a Vicodin, and then said "Great, love the birth plan! Did you also bring a death plan? I hope you got a baby coffin as a shower gift because you aren't going to have much use for receiving blankets and pacifiers if you don't take my advice". I know, that's slightly twisted, but you totally know that's what he would have said!!! Please, please, please, someone, bring your 4 page birth plan to Dr. House and then let me know what he says. I'm super interested.

Hope to play Flonkerton with you soon Madison!

Q: What is your take on the whole China/Olympics/Torch Relay/Protest Situ? Ming - Beijing, China

A: I cannot believe maddiepandfriends has finally reached Asia! Well Ming, 你好和欢迎! For all of my English speaking readers, that means "Hello and Welcome!" in Chinese. I was SO worried when I first started writing this blog that my sarcasm and sense of humor might not translate in different cultures (I know, I'm very concerned about all the people of the world. Surprising, RIGHT?!). Apparently, that is not the case as I have now received letters from China, India, and Japan. How EXCITING!

First off, Ming, I hope that the question written above was your actual question. I tried to enter your e-mail (which was in Chinese) into BabelFish for translation, but some of the characters weren't able to be recognized. I got "Olympics" and "Protest" just fine, but the rest of your e-mail just didn't make sense. I kept getting words like "bomb" and "anthrax" along with phrases like "5 rings of hellfire" and "closing ceremonies of destruction". I know all my maddiepandfriends group members are totally into world peace and mutual understanding, so I am super sure that you simply made a few minor typos. Plus, when I figured out "Olympics" and "Protest", I just KNEW you were looking for my opinion on what was happening! I should mention that I forwarded your letter to Jack Bauer at CTU so he could "take a look" (DAMMIT!), but I'm positive that he'll agree with me and say it's nothing. So NO worries Ming!

I am totally torn on the whole issue of the Olympics being held in China this summer. On the one hand, I see what people are saying about the insane amount of human rights violations that occur and have occurred in that country. I am not a fan of human rights violations, and I guess they should be held accountable for this (FREE TIBET!). However, we (and by "we" I mean all of us that AREN'T China) all have to take some personal responsibility for the globalization of commerce and the creation of a "world economy". We don't have a problem with China when it comes to affordable labor, reduced manufacturing costs, and extremely lax taxation and environmental policies. However, we suddenly have a BIG problem when it comes to them hosting the Summer Games? Am I missing something? I'm only 11 (almost 12) days old and I see the hypocrisy, yet no one else does? I'm just a BABY!! Hey, Patty Protester, check out the tag on your t-shirt you're wearing to the rally tomorrow, it says "Made in China". Additionally, those markers you are using to make your giant sign with witty slogan, also made in China! Yikes Patty, someone didn't do their homework.....

Sorry to get all political (CONTROVERSIAL!). This is why I avoid current events for the most part. I just get SO worked up, then I can't sleep, then I keep mom and dad up all night, and then I just worry that I might have offended some of my readers :( NO GOOD! That'll be my last pseudo-political rant for a while, I promise. Plus, what do I know, I'm only 11 days old (almost 12)!

Hope to see you in the interrogation room with Mr. Bauer soon Ming!

Well, dad is giving me the "cut" sign right now. He is tired, and he said he totally knows I am going to fall asleep for like, 20 minutes, just enough time for him to doze off into slumber land, and then I'll wake up crying so he has to come pick me up! SO funny, I KNOW! Sometimes I actually need something like a diaper change or some food. Other times, I'm just running with the advice Jack W. gave me in his comments last week. Super idea Jack, thanks for the tip! It is SO much better than just sleeping (BORING!).

Later.......

SO into:

• Musical Swings
• Jungle Mobiles
• Breakfast
• Rocking (in a chair or "rocking out", either way is AWESOME!)

SO not:

• April Blizzards
• Dirty Pacifiers
• Peeing Myself (EMBARRASSING!)
• Jason Castro (enough already!)

APGAR : Another Preposterously Ghastly Agitating Review!!!

O-M-G!!! Where do I even begin?! SO much has happened this week and I am learning and encountering, like, a bazzilion new things a day. What is a baby girl to DO?!

First off, apologies for all of the adverbs in my blog title today, but I was just SO upset that I had to pass a test so soon after my arrival. No one told me anything about said test, and I was just totally put off by the whole ordeal. I mean, C'MON Dr. Oz, I'm out of the womb for like, 5 seconds, and you already are subjecting me to standardized testing??!! I thought we were on the same page, and that we both agreed that these "state regulated standardized tests" were no way to save the American school system. Then you go and drop this APGAR situ on me before I even got to say HELLO to my mom and dad. SO LAME!!! I had no time to prepare, zero time to study, and was not even informed about what the subject matter would be. Dad told me, had he known ahead of time, that he totally would've "taught to the test" so that I could ACE it, but felt he preferred that I arrive well-rounded instead. Don't get me wrong, I still got super fantastic scores, but the pressure involved was immense. OH, THE PRESSURE!!! Final piece of advice on the APGAR to all my unborn fetii out there, GET A TUTOR ASAP! Don't end up in the same situ I did, K :) Oh, and my final final word on this test, APGAR creators, you have totally ended up on my permanent "SO not" list. You suck with a side of suck. The only other current resident on that list is the Yankees, so, GREAT WORK! You should be REALLY proud.....

Phew, now that I have that out of the way, I can get into more important and super cool things related to my first week in the "real world". The list of firsts is so immense that I am only going to go into detail about a few of them. I even have pics to go with some of these stories so GET EXCITED! Lemme see, I got my first mani this week! We (and by we I mean dad, such a CONTROL freak!) "decided" that I was going to get a trim and file only, no polish. Dad said it was totally inappropriate for a 4 day old to have nail polish. I asked him why and he just replied, "Because I said so, that's WHY." (FWIW - I think he's going to use that phrase A LOT over the next few years) I was quite distraught by his decision due to the fact that I already had a totally awesome dark blue picked out (it's SO in around Hollywood right now) and it perfectly matched my eyes. Whatever... Anyhoo, I had to settle for the trim and file. Here is a pic of me during my first mani:


Doesn't dad look like such the nerd? He was really concerned the whole time because he didn't want to cut the skin on my little fingers. I wasn't exactly "cooperative" either, so that probably added to his trepidation. Don't tell him, but I cannot wait until mom hops in on this operation. I know she's a HUGE fan of polish so I'm sure she'll understand my desire to be properly painted ;)

We also made our first trip outside of the house on Friday. I had to go to the pediatrician to get a check up. Don't worry, I was completely healthy! I guess it is some kind of requirement after your arrival to ensure I arrived in the condition I was supposed to. Here is a pic of me at my first pediatric appointment:


I ask you, do I look concerned in this photo? No? Well, I SHOULD HAVE been! I was just lounging with my blanket, minding my own business, when some stranger waltzed through the door (she said she was a nurse, but I didn't actually see her credentials so who knows?) and proceeded to try to separate my little heel from the rest of my little foot. I kid you not!! She mentioned something called a "PKU", so I proceed to "ask" her if PKU actually stood for "complete and utter torture, even worse than water-boarding"!! (borderline inappropriate, I know. It's OK, I'm just a BABY!) It was like one of those ginormous paper cuts, you know, not the ones with your standard photocopy paper, but the ones from that super-sturdy, rigid plastic that encapsulates almost any small electronic device these days. Like, instead of buying one of those cheap tools advertised on TV, you figure you'll just go at it with a pair of scissors, only while you are halfway through the package, the cut plastic slides across your hand, and then, BAM, you're suddenly all super stingy and bleedy (is that even a word?). Well, it was honestly just like that, only worse! I cried and cried (wouldn't you?)! I finally settled down and found that was the worst part of the whole visit, so the rest was quite enjoyable. Dr. Karen (Dr. Oz recommended her, we sadly had to part ways after the delivery. I know, SO sad...) just kept telling me how cute I was, and everyone just doted over me for the rest of the time. Then, we got to go to breakfast at Devil's Food (top notch, one of my favorites pre-arrival), so it turned out OK.

The weather has been SO nice out here that we were able to get out of the house again yesterday. This time, we went to something dad called the "driving range". He promised it would be "probably the most exciting thing I had done EVER", but I thought, exciting, not so much... It was still fun, don't get me wrong. We had been cooped up in the house for most of the week, so I just liked getting out in the sunshine. Here is a pic of me with my dad at the range:


Dad said he'd get me some clubs ASAP so that I could hit with him. I am not even sure I'm necessarily interested in this proposition, but he looked really happy about it, so I'll humor him for now.

One final thing I figured out this week was how to wriggle out of a super-tight swaddle in no time. Don't get me wrong, I really enjoy the swaddle. It's just that sometimes I don't want to be contained! Mom and dad get SO frustrated because they wrap me really snug, figuring this is the swaddle to end all swaddles, and that there it is simply not possible for me to get my hands free. Here is an example of that "ultimate swaddle":


Anyway, you should see the looks on their faces when, like 5 minutes after completion of the swaddle, I have my little hand up by my nose! Oh, the surprise, it just SLAYS me!!! I told them not to feel bad, I am just THAT amazing. I even tried to put a positive spin on my incredible "escaping" abilities. I said to dad, "hey, hang me upside down, put me in a tank of water, and let's take this show on the road. We can make MILLIONS!". Dad said that although he doesn't doubt how amazing I am, that my idea was extremely dangerous, and that him AND mom would probably end up in the clink if we tried to turn this little gem into a circus act. Whatever, Houdini, you've got NOTHING on me! I'm just saying.

Well, those were some highlights of my first week in the real world. I cannot WAIT to share more stories with you! Everything is just SO interesting. I am totally going to rock a MaddieP mailbag tomorrow so be patient (especially you, Aunt Em). I was so busy taking it all in that I totally skirted my blogging duties. Feel free to squeeze in any last minute questions you might have. As always, the bag is overflowing, but I can probably fit a few more in, you know, for all my real fans ;)

Later....

SO into:

• Baby Slings
• Car Trips
• Lounging
• Karate Pants

SO not:

• Standardized Testing
• Wet Diapers
• Lack of Extremity Control
• Gastrointestinal "Issues"

Technical Difficulties SOLVED!

Dad finally "got around to" fixing my music video. It now has the music with the video, rather than just a silent picture. I was like, "Dad, how can we possibly call it a music video with no FRICKING music??!!"...

Anyhoo, if you check my 10cc's positing again, the new and improved video has replaced the totally crappy video that was there. Check me out!

I'll be back tomorrow with new postings, "SO into and SO not" lists, and, yep, you guessed it, a mailbag at the end of the week! See you soon :)

Later........