Crack is Whack!!

That may be the case for crack, but you know what is SO NOT whack? Like, 1,000,000%, super, totally, awesomely NOT whack? CHILDREN'S TYLENOL! O-M-G, it is like the best stuff EVER! Don't tell my parents, but I think I'm hooked. I had my first "taste" on Wednesday afternoon this past week after I got my first round of vaccinations (which totally STUNK btw, more to follow on that in a minute). Since then, I've just been staring at the clock, waiting for the time to tick away until my 6 hours is up. Then I'm like, ehem, dad, fill that bad boy halfway and let's get this party started! It literally fixes EVERYTHING! Fever, no problem. Headache, taken care of. Stomach upset, adios! Oh, and I completely left out the best part. Know what it tastes like? Seriously, do you know? Well I'll tell you. CHERRIES! I never though it would be possible to enjoy a flavor of a fruit I had yet to taste and will not get to taste for some time. Let me tell you, it SO is! I guess "hooked" is a strong word though. I mean, I can quit whenever I want. It's not like I NEED it (Dad already took me off it saying it wasn't necessary anymore. I haven't figured out how to fake a headache yet, but I'm working on it ;).

Back to the vaccinations situ. I have never felt so much like a human voodoo doll in my entire life. Yes, my "entire life" may only be 8 weeks and 2 days old, but that's a long time if you ask me. And yes, you did ask me, whether you knew it or not. I was all lounging on my blanket, checking out my hair in the mirror (SO cute, RIGHT!?)

and then, BAM, two burly nurses come flying in, needles sticking out of their hands like Freddy fricking Kruger (they looked JUST like him too)


grabbing at my legs and arms pummeling me with points. Worst experience EVER! I was looking at dad like "please, dad, save me from this insanity!" and all he could do was watch in terror. SO awful! Had I known that was all going to transpire, I would've just stayed home. Of course, I did score some of the aforementioned Tylenol, but I am starting to question if it was worth it.

Oh, hang on. I just received a "live" question from a concerned reader. I guess now is as good a time as any to jump into another edition of the mailbag! (SURPRISE!!!)

Q: MaddieP, awful story about the doctor's office. However, I couldn't help but be distracted the whole time by the title change to the blog. What's the haps on the craps? Sunny - Lansing, MI

A: "Shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em up, shake 'em..." Well Sunny, here's what the haps are. Nice Ice Cube reference, btw. Solid..... I realized recently that my naming, while totally witty and super apropos at the time, was apropos no mo'. After all, I'm not a fetus anymore, I'm a BABY! I figured the "PC" term for baby was probably "infant" since I've really lost track of who's offended by what anymore, so I figured I'd play it safe. Hence the INFANity. Get it? I know it's missing the "T", but I know all my readers are so hip and "with it" that they'd totally catch the pun. After all, we're all about the "real world" now, aren't we? I have so much new stuff to cover that is completely unrelated to everything in utero, so I suggested, no demanded to dad that we make the switch. He was a fan (OF COURSE!) and agreed 100%. Don't worry Sunny, the blog will still bring all the super interesting stuff you've come to expect from MaddieP, so we'll just refer to it as maddiepandfriends 2.0.

Welcome to the "new and improved" blog Sunny!

Q: O-M-G, it is SO overcrowded in here! How did you keep your mind off of your discomfort and on other things while womb-bound? Unborn Twins - Denver, CO

A: TWINS! How exciting! So here's the thing Twins, I'm just SO over fetii these days that I can't even bring myself to respond. Please see my response to fellow reader Sunny's question for more insight. I do feel for you, god knows I've been there, done that, bought the onesie. I just can't relate anymore, and I don't really feel comfortable giving advice on a subject that I'm just not interested in any longer.

Let me drop an analogy on you Twins. You know how, when you get out of junior high (NIGHTMARE! I've heard stories...) and begin your freshman year of high school? How into the junior high kids are you after that? Not even the slightest bit, right? Well, that's exactly how I feel now that I'm a baby. I can't associate with fetii any more, it totally knocks my coolness factor down ten fold. Plus, I have my own problems now! I'm just not down with that whole scene, it's SO 8 weeks and 2 days ago!

Drop me a line when you bust out Twins, then we can talk!

Q: Like a million season finales and no reactions from MaddieP!? Lay some reviews on me, will you please? Peter - Gainsville, FL

A: What's going on Peter? FYI - Both my mom and my best friend Cedar resided in your neighborhood for a minute back in the 90s so I have much love and respect for your town! Nice choice of locales! I'll break down my end-of-the-year reviews by show:

"The Office" - Very, very awesome! I thought the whole Andy proposal was just hilarious, although I did feel super bad for Jim. I don't mean to sound like a broken record, but if the writers go all "Ross and Rachel" on me with Jam, I'm out! That's it, I'm out! I can't wait for the webisodes this summer to find out what's going on before the big premier in September. Also, I felt super bad for Michael. He just has no luck, although most of it is his own fault. He finally finds the perfect girl, and then blows it to go back to psychosville, population Jan! The episode was top notch all around, as was the remainder of the strike shortened season (NEVER AGAIN!).

"AI" - That's American Idol for all of you non-fans :( Obviously, my pick died early, so after that I didn't know where to turn. I will say that I am thankful that David Cook ended up winning. I could not STAND that Archuleta character. Dad and I even decided when there were about 6 contestants left that we were done watching him and fast forwarded through all of his remaining performances. Thank GOD for TIVO! Suck it Archuleta!

"House" - Quite suspenseful and a lot of fun. As you all know, House is my fave TV doc, way better than those clowns on Grey's or the idiots on ER (YAWN! Where's Clooney?). I am seriously worried about House's relationship with Wilson though. The death of Amber might put too much strain on them this time. Could be the straw that broke the camel's back. I'm just saying.....

"Desperate Housewives" - Did anyone else besides me watch the last scene and ask themselves "Where the frick are they going with this storyline?!" I have no idea what is going to happen with those ladies. The season as a whole was far superior to last season, but I have grave concerns about the direction next year. If they go all 5 years ahead on me, it might just blow my mind (DANGEROUS!)!!

Stay off the hard drugs Peter!

Well, that's about all for me this last day of May. June is going to be a big month. BIG! I am anxious to do even more new things, and I have a few more music videos up my sleeve. I know the anticipation is just killing you all :)

Later.......

SO into:

• Cherry flavored ANYTHING
• Grabbing
• Smiling
• Koala Bears

SO not:

• Fetii
• Needles
• Processed Meats
• Sweating

I'm Not The Average Girl on Your Video

Surprise!! It's my brand new, totally super awesome music video! And you all thought I was just completely slacking this month :) O-M-G, I am SO excited for all of the maddiepandfriends to see me! I will blog more later. For now, I'm just going to hang back and wait for you all to tell me what you think.

Later......

How’s My Driving? Dial 1-800-O-M-G-I-DO-NOT-CARE!!!

Where have I BEEN lately?! I know, I know…. That is the question you have all been asking yourselves for the past 3 weeks. My answer to you would be: where HAVEN’T I been lately??? And for that matter, what HAVEN’T I done lately? I have been so super busy learning all kinds of new things while also lounging in a whole assortment of entirely new places. Did any of you know I actually went to Houston last week? FRICKING Houston! I was only 5 (almost 6) weeks old at the time, so I know you are SO super impressed right now. I flew on a plane (I heard from a friend of a friend that Suri wasn’t allowed to fly until almost 20 weeks. I say, Mark Ronson Schmonson!), stayed at the NASA Hilton, chilled by the Gulf of Mexico, and drank flirtinis by the pool (CHIC!). JK on that last little nugget as I totally cannot consume anything other than formula right now. I’m just a BABY! (Funny little side note on that whole situ. Ask my dad sometime about the night he was so out of it that he gave me water instead of formula. I had to puke all over him 3 TIMES before he realized what was going on. He felt SO bad, but I told him not to worry, I was fine and that puking repeatedly was just my way of saying “HELLO! ARE YOU TRYING TO KILL ME OR SOMETHING???!!!”)

BTW – No offense to all of my Houston readers, but I have to admit I’m not a big fan of your city. Everything is SO spread out, and there is not much in the way of scenery. I’ve heard the whole “only two things from Texas” cliché (OFFENSIVE!), but I think, if we’re talking about Houston, those “two things” should be changed to power lines and refineries cause that’s all I saw! Of course, making a neat little rhyme out of those two items might be a lot more difficult, but my readers are SO super smart, I just know they can figure it out. In fact, that could be our first maddiepandfriends contest (EXCITING!). I’ll start the saying and you finish it. We can post the winning idea along with a photo or something. As you can tell, I’m totally doing this off the top of my head so my organization is less than stellar. I know you’ve come to expect more, so I apologize in advance :( Ready? “The only two things from Houston are power lines and refineries and (insert your really super awesomely funny line here)…..”

Anyhoo, one thing I recently discovered is how much I love riding in the car. Now, when I say “riding in the car” I am mainly referring to the time spent in the car when it is actually moving. I absolutely HATE it when the car stops. In fact, I won’t stand for it! It’s like, I’m cruising along, minding my own business, enjoying the rhythmic motion of the road and the soothing sounds of the engine, and suddenly, POW, nothing….. SO frustrating! It always happens at the worst time too, like I’m just about to fall asleep or I’ve already been sitting in my seat for an hour and am one step closer to the edge of total explosion. I have no qualms about “letting mom or dad know” how so not into stopping I am almost every time it happens. This drives them crazy. Whatever. I just look back at them like “if you really loved me you’d throw your hazards on, lay on the horn, and totally run every red light you see so that we could essentially create some sort of perpetual motion scenario where we never had to stop.” Still hasn’t happened. If anyone out there has parents that actually love them, please write in. I’d love to hear about it!

In other news, I’ve discovered LOADS of other things I like doing. I am really quite a standout when it comes to holding my head up and looking around. I’m not gonna lie, I really dig this activity. Dad timed me one day and I was able to hold my head up for 41 seconds. Two days later mom timed me at almost a minute and a half (IMPRESSIVE!)!! FWIW – I also heard from a friend of a friend that Apple Paltrow couldn’t even do ONE minute at 8 weeks. Suck it Apple! These Hollywood babies are SUCH underachievers, it’s no wonder they end up in rehab by 16. Ms. Holmes, please explain to me again how it is that Suri is “so gifted”. Really, I’m dying to know. I’m not trying to be a total snot, I’m just saying.... Dad also scored me this wicked fun activity mat with all kinds of jungle animals, sounds, and mirrors. Who has two tiny thumbs and can lay and stare at herself in the mirror for hours? This baby! Here is a photo of me kicking it on my mat:

The combination of sights and sounds really “floats my boat”. I kick my legs super fast, wave my arms around wildly, and make a ton of crazy noises. What did the babies that came before me do before the creation of these activity mats? It is a complete and utter mystery to me. It’s a wonder they even developed at all (SAD!).

Mom also copped me some new denim since all of my other jeans still don’t fit me. Here’s a pic of me sporting said jeans. Notice the coordination of the top, jeans, and headband:

The LC rocks the headbands all the time on “The Hills” so I figured I should follow suit. I’m working on some sort of guest appearance since I’m such a fan of the show. I wrote the LC explaining how babies are SO the hot accessory in L.A. for the 08, and how much of a travesty it would be if she didn’t keep up with ALL the trends. I pitched it to her like so: They could literally just show random pics of me at various times during each episode. I don’t need lines and I don’t need to be an integral part of the storyline. They could show a scene of Lo being her typical, ugly, super mean self to Audrina and then cut quickly to a photo of me posing with the caption “Madelyn – Token Baby”, then back to the scene. Later, we see Spencer and Heidi having yet another contrived tiff, then, right in the middle of Spencer saying something totally stupid, cut to me hanging in my crib, then back to Heidi telling Spencer how stupid he is. See how that works? Totally cool right? Call me....

Well, that's about all for now. New mailbag coming soon and I'm warning you, it's going to be a MONSTER! It's super fantastic to be back in the blogosphere after my brief hiatus! Later.....

SO into:

• Pianos
• Checkerboards
• Prison Stripes
• Crinkly Paper

SO not:

• Scientology
• Red-eye Flights
• Unwanted Advice
• Humidity