So here’s the thing. I have 5 simple words for you that can describe how my week has been going. Suck-It-Jamie-Lynn-Spears! O-M-G! Did you hear what she named the latest demon spawn in the Spears clan?! Did you! If for some reason you DID NOT (like, if you live with those fake Amazon Rainforest tribal people or something) I’ll tell you. Maddie! Fricking Maddie! I totally spit up in my mouth when I heard this terrible, terrible news. I’m not in this world three months and my life is already ruined.
Don’t get me wrong, I know that there are other Maddies, Madelyns, and Madelines in this world. I’m not THAT delusional. However, being in any way, shape, or form associated with that group of trailer trash lottery winners (and by “lottery winners” I mean that Britney was the ticket and they’re all just along for the ride) is just a travesty. I might as well ask dad to buy a double wide, fill my bottle with Peksi (not a typo, that’s what “they” call it), fire a cigarette in my mouth, and take me to the studio so he can start his fricking rap career! I’m sure we’d be on the fast track to crazy in no time! “I’m not a girl, not yet a woman…” Uh-oh, here comes that spit up again!!!
Anyhoo, I am going to post some super cute pics of me on this posting so that all my fans will know who the real Maddie is AND how much cuter I am than this other imposter. Maddie Spears is not my doppelganger! As soon as dad gets back (if he EVER does, again, I’m fine, don’t feel guilty….) I am going to immediately have him look into the possibility of starting a petition to force Brit-Brits little sis to change the name of her little “accident” (TOO HARSH? WHAT-EV-ER!).
SO much cuter, RIGHT?!
OK, I’m off my Spears soapbox. I apologize for the lengthy rant, but I just could not help myself. Deep breath…………… Alright, let’s get to my “MaddieP Developmental Update”, or “MDU” for short. I think acronyms make me sound more official and mature, don’t you?
MDU – Motor Skills: I can now find my hands and control my arms! How exciting! It was a long strange trip the past few months having those things flailing around, banging me in the head. Goodbye total and utter frustration, hello at-will thumb sucking and grabbing things!
MDU – Vision: I can see SO super far now it is just amazing! Like, I can lie on my jungle mat and totally see mom all the way across the living room. Cool right?! I can see colors (as soon as dad found this out he held me up to the ceiling in my nursery to see his monkey stencils. Um, hello, really dangerous AND get over yourself already!) and I am starting to really enjoy my Baby Einstein vids. Don’t worry, mom and dad refuse to use those as a “babysitter”. Dad totally talks in my ear the whole time describing what everything is and I’m just like, yeah, I know that’s a giraffe, OK! Do I talk through Sportscenter? No! I’m just saying…… Also, it should be mentioned that I don’t really go cross-eyed anymore. That was SO confusing!
MDU – Mastery of the English Language: Well, maybe “mastery” is a stretch, but I am really good at making all kinds of various sounds with my vocal cords these days. Mom keeps giving me these “no comprende” looks, but I say it’s really her fault that she doesn’t understand what I’m saying. “All kinds of various sounds” has a ceiling of about 12 so how hard can it really be to remember them? I have no issue and I’m just a baby! Dad swears I said dada the other day, but mom and I are pretty sure that was after about 3 vodka rocks and a beer (Daddy drinks because I cry or I cry because daddy drinks. I think that really works both ways. Neat! Did you catch that pun? I’m SO cryptic!)
OK, that’s all from me for now. Sorry June was so completely and totally lame. Dad says I’m sucking his will to live since I’m still super high maintenance (his words, NOT mine!) and still a fan of waking up in the middle of the night. I told him he needs to Suck-It-Up! You think you can’t sleep now? Wait til I’m 17 w/ a bf and a driver’s license.
Later……
SO into:
- Having my hair blown on (I was born to rock a convertible)
- Farting
- Drooling
- Pixie Sticks
SO not:
- Lynne Spears
- Britney Spears
- Jamie Lynn Spears
- Maddie Spears
BTW – You Spears are all on the permanent “SO Not” list. Welcome and congratulations!
